Sunday, June 26, 2011

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-quinze

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP IF YOU STRUGGLE TO HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND WITHOUT GETTING 'ATTACHED' - Fuck hey. Girls are always giving themselves a hard time over this and it's ridiculous. If you have a good time with a man and you think you like him then THAT'S OK. You're not lame if you fall for him.  You're only lame if he makes you feel disposable and yet you keep going back for more. I know he seems 'perfect' but I want you to think back about that dude you had a mad crush on when you were 16 and imagined having his babies. Yup. Take them goggles off babe.

GET A SHOULDER MASSAGE - Stress carried in your shoulders leads to mammoth headaches. Seriously.

DON'T CHASE THE PARTY - It never comes and then you end up being a narky bitch and everyone seems like they're disappointing you because you had such high expectations for yourself and therefore everyone else.

THINGS ARE NEVER AS THEY SEEM - This goes for...your weight, facebook updates and tweets, peoples smiles, the general atmosphere wherever you are and peoples opinions of you.  I'm not saying you should second guess everything and be paranoid I'm saying you should be open to the possibility of being wrong. As my favorite line from a song goes, 'You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather'

DUDE SEX IS IMPORTANT HEY - So you should fuck like every shag is your last.

LEARN TO KEEP A SECRET - It's like SO hard but it's important. Even when you go 'you can't tell anybody' it actually means nothing because you are only saying that so you a) feel better and b) pass the buck so if that person does tell you can say, 'I said not to say anything!'.  Also, EVERYONE says that before they reveal a secret and so on and so on and so on.  Shit spreads like a 2 dollar hooker.

STOP PRONOUNCING FOREIGN WORDS WITH A FOREIGN ACCENT! - Example: croissant and Cafe Latte. YOU SOUND LIKE A PRIZE WANKER CITIZEN OF WANK FEST. Why don't you have an Italian accent with every word hey? Why only that particular word?  NO ONE is buying your shit dude.

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