Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-huit

THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION OF 'CROISSANT' - This is a tricky one. Because if you pronounce it as it's spelt when you're in Europe, you seem like an uneducated pleb. Pronounce it correctly here in Aus and you sound kinda wanky. I think it's a French word and should be pronounced as such...if you know how. 'cause if you KNOW how to say it, you should, but if others don't and you correct them, you sound like a wanker. Do I make the sense?

JUST BECAUSE A GIRL HAS A PIXIE HAIRCUT ALA TEAGAN AND SARA, DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS A LEZZA - It just means she looks like one.

DO NOT SQUEEZE YOUR SPOTS WITH DIRTY HANDS - Geez louise. It's your fucking face dude! Go easy on it! I asked my friend over the weekend what she would rather have, a pretty face or a banging bod? Without hesitation she said, 'A pretty face for sure! What would you rather wake up to?!' - nuff said.

IF YOU ARE FEELING LIKE SHIT AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE A MONSTER STARING BACK, TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE... - And have a look around you. Yup. There are millions who are way uglier than you are. Take strength in that.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN EATING HUMMUS AND CRACKERS FOR DINNER - Throw in a glass of red and you are positively chic.

IF YOU MUST STARE, THEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO LOOK AWAY WHEN THEY CATCH YOU - Unless it's a boy and he is hot...just give a coy smile and THEN look away. But for the love of God, don't just keep on dead pan staring you fucking weirdo. Also, if you are sitting in your friends room while she gets dressed, read a magazine or something, just don't bloody stare like a freakazoid. Same goes for watching people eat. Talk about social retardation.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT SOME POINT HAVE SAID SOMETHING UNFLATTERING ABOUT YOU - Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

God, we're all slightly fucked up innit? Where do you think I get my material from?! xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part douze

DURING THE SUMMER MONTHS YOU MIGHT NEED TO MAKE USE OF YOUR SHOWER MORE THAN ONCE A DAY - Yes people, I'm talking morning and night you dirty buggers. Make use of natures natural cleanser and clean your crevices. I'm not only advising you to do this for your own good, but also for those who have to share any form of public transport with you.

THE WORD 'C*NT' SHOULD NOT BE OVER USED - There are two instances where I feel this word is acceptable and that is during a fit of rage, i.e. 'I can't believe you slept with my husband you c**t' or during a moment of passion, 'I love the way you lick my.....' - otherwise it loses it's dramatic effect. Since living in Australia I have come to notice that Aussies drop the 'C' bomb more than 'Bless you' gets said in a Catholic Church. And while I am not trying to paint myself holier than though as far as the art of profanities go, I am just merely pointing out that if this word is used as a daily noun or adjective then we lose the only curse that exists which shows when we mean business.

WHEN YOU ARE PURCHASING YOUR LEATHER JACKET, AVOID PLASTIC ZIPS - A plastic zip can make real leather look like a black garbage bag, however metal hardware can make even the most pleatherest of jackets look discerning.

I LEARNT TODAY THAT EATING BANANAS CAN ATTRACT MOSQUITO'S - Just a heads up - thanks Jemma.

LISTEN TO FRIENDLY FIRES - Seriously great musical melodies that will be like butterfly kisses on your ears.

JUST BECAUSE YOU SOMETIMES KISS GIRLS WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK DOES NOT MAKE YOU A LESBIAN - Look, we've all done it. You wanna show the boys how adventurous you are and porn makes it look pretty hot. Yeah chicks are sexy...you don't have to be a lezza to admit that, and really, the thought of kissing another girl does not gross us out as much as our male counterparts when it comes to lip locking with the same sex. I mean, it's a bit like eating chicken really...it's fine. However, if you are going to go around saying you have now met someone and it's a woman, then you will need to accept that further down the line, when the attention you wanted to gain from the whole experience has died down and you are stuck with dykey dyke mcgee then she is gonna want you to be kissing a whole other set of lips. And lez be honest, that ain't gonna taste like chicken. I'm just saying.


Lez be friends X