Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Great ways to make people want to punch you with a brick

FUCK THEIR BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / EX / PERSON THEY HAVE HAD A MAD CRUSH ON FOR AGES AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT ETC ETC - Do not underestimate jealousy and the monster effect it can have on people.  Dudes beat up women over it. Girls pretend they are pregnant over it. And if you dare stand in between them and the person who makes them feel good about living...well, God bless your little sneaky soul.

BUILD FALSE CAMPAIGNS AND RECRUIT ALL TO YOUR CAUSE - So you have beef with somebody? I'm sure you have a good enough reason. If your reason really is good then you will silently seethe and learn to get over it. If you need many to agree with how you feel and need a whole army behind you in your war, then you are going in unarmed and without just cause. Not only is it bullying, it's hilarious. People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime....for whatever reason. Sometimes you just stop being friends. Sometimes you just fall out of love. Sometimes the very thing that used to endear you to someone will make you want to force them to gargle broken glass. Build a bridge babe.

TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO LOSE WHEN YOU WEIGH UNDER 55KG - Everyone will do the 'oh shut up you're amazing' thing, but secretly they hate you and will wish that you really were fat.

BE LATE ALL THE TIME - People love waiting. Especially if they don't smoke and their phone has run out of battery.  Then when you finally arrive be an asshole. That will really send it home.

BE REALLY RACIST AND/OR HOMOPHOBIC - Threaten to 'punch a fag in the face' because he wears skinny jeans.  Be really rude to people who can't speak English and laugh at Big Issue Sellers. You are so awesome dude. WINNER.

DON'T GO DOWN ON YOUR LOVER - Just lay there and have your cock sucked or your pussy licked until you feel like your body is having a convulsion then just say thanks, roll over and go to sleep. And avoid the wet patch at all costs.

BE REALLY, REALLY INCONSIDERATE - Always show up at parties empty handed. Always leave about half a millimetre of milk in the carton and put it back in the fridge. Don't flush. Talk in the movies and do not put your phone on silent. Borrow things and never return them, or do but return it broken or dirty. Borrow someones car and return it with the petrol light on. Never ever ever clean after yourself in a share house and just generally be a tight little ass for the rest of your easy breezy life.

BE CONDESCENDING AND PATRONIZING - Smile while you insult and make sure your tone is snide and poncy. THAT will really make you as popular as MC Hammer.

The end.

PS, I'm perfect.

Owls SEX alphabet: S - W

S - is for SEX. Sozz. Nothing wack here...just plain old sex.  I have kind of dug my own hole regarding this blog, because now I have created this online persona of being some kind of sex expert. I most certainly am not. I just know what I like and I know what I don't. And I am just a regular girl, so if I feel this way, then I know others do and because no matter how many times Lady Gaga dances in her underwear, or Carrie Bradshaw type shows there are, it is still taboo for women to talk openly and honestly about it. But then men can just open their little blow horns about it all they want and they aren't pegged as 'shocking' or 'inappropraite'. Bite me.

T - is for TOYS. Embrace them. Be adventurous with them. Collect them.  Don't be scared of them. CLEAN THEM.

U - is for UTI's. Imma tell you this once and that's it.  The fuck show that is the UTI can all be avoided if you a) pop a cranberry tab after sexy times b) have a wee wee c) don't let him put it in your foo foo after your poo poo. Failing these three things means you will be pissing razor blades for a solid amount of time. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

V - is for VAGINA. Look after yours. Wax her. Wash her. Keep her entertained. She's a person too and we don't want her getting all depressed. Only let interesting, thoughtful penis's visit her and keep it tight.

W - is for WANK. Do it on the reg. If you don't know what you like, then the other person won't know what you like. WANK WANK WANKITY WANK X

A - F  G - L    M - R

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Knob End Alerts

The following are fairly good indicators of a wanker, or a group there of. As usual, take this post with the proverbial, some people just have poor judgment and are not necessarily wanky. But unfortch, these things usually mean they are.

• Hummer limo's - the douche bag ride of choice
• Hen nights that involve dressing in pink, and wearing plastic cocks on your head
• Incessant name droppers
• After speaking to them for an hour, you still don't know what they actually DO
• They go on and on and on and fucking ON about their Apple Mac's/Iphones *yawn*
• Even if it's minus 300 degrees out, they will still pull their sleeves up so you can see their forearm tattoos, or wear a low v neck so you can see their 'chest piece'.
• They say things like 'chest piece'
• Fake BAP hoodies
• Playboy logos
• Playboy logos on cars
• Their favourite band is like from Nepal or some shit. Knob ends LOVE mentioning obscure music.
• Non ironic personalised number plates
• Any night club that has a dress code. Wankers will probs hire a hummer limo to take them to such a venue
• 'funny' slogan tee's. Like, 'I'm the wing man' - for example.
• Perfectly dishevelled hair that took 3 hours to achieve.
• Glasses with no lenses (why?)
• Peeps who denounce a band the second they get the slightest of breaks
• Those who reckon they 'invented' fashion trends.

You are most welcome x

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (5)

... peeps don't take that layer of plastic off the display screens on dvd and music players? Or worse, when they start to take it off then decide not to and put it back, so it has a bunch of air bubbles underneath it? Like FUCK, what are they trying to do to me? I have to pull it off, I just have to.

... when someone says 'oh yeah, the closest ATM/MacDonald's/train station is LITERALLY across the street from my house? Um...unless your house is around the corner and you have to walk for 10 minutes, then yes...yes it is across the street. If you say 'across the street' I expect to look out of your living room window and see the mother fucker.

... bank people that look at your statement and give a little frown or smirk. Oi lady, you wanna take this outside of your little cubicle?

... someone says, 'oh, you know who you remind me of?' and then mention some name ya never heard of so you google the person...kinda see what they mean...and then look for the nearest sharpest object, put it on the floor, and hope you fall over at some point and land on it.

... you are 'avin a lil dance and some bitch who thinks she is like soooo totally mega cute is tryna show off all her MTV dance moves and tries to have a dance off whilst looking at you with those stupid dance faces? I never know what to do other than hold back the urge to kick her in her silly Fred Astaire legs.

... some dickhead throws in a name drop during a convo, even though they know perfectly well you have no idea who the fuck they are talking about, but they just want you to feel like you are some how inferior to them for not knowing who it is? Hey wanker, get your head outta yo ass...it ain't a good look.

Screw the wankers! x