Thursday, October 15, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part sept

ANY GARMENT MADE OUT OF POLYESTER STRETCH SATIN SCREAMS TACKY - Come now girls. Unless you are a stripper named Cookie, Candy or any other kind of confectionery this is not a good idea. Nothing good can come of it. Very rarely are there items of clothing made out of this ghastly fabric that make the cut. It's clingy in all the wrong places, it runs, it pulls, the hemline is almost always uneven and the big word here is POLYESTER. Not chic honey.

IT'S ONE THING TO BE INSPIRED BUT IT'S QUITE ANOTHER TO BE A COPY CAT - OK, so you have a mate whose style, boyfriend, bedspread and general lifestyle you admire. That's cool. So get a boyfriend of your own who is equally as lovely instead of making a play for hers, be just as inventive in your interior decorating choices instead of finding out the make and style of what she has and go and buy the exact same one. She might look wondrous in that purple leather miniskirt, however if your legs look like tree stumps you may want to rethink the mini skirt and instead be inspired by her ability to dress according to her best attributes. I swear we've all had a friend that slowly started sounding and dressing like us and batted her copy cat eyelashes at our man. DON'T BE THAT GIRL. Ever watched 'Single White Female'?

PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE NIPPLE TUNING - Look ladies, when you make love and such with a man, you are taking on a responsibility. This responsibility is to nurture and direct him towards becoming a better lover. If they tune your nipples like they are trying to get 92.5FM and you don't tell them it does not feel good they will think you fucking love it and continue the trend with another unlucky female. Don't pretend to enjoy it - you ain't doing them or us a favor, just softly nudge them in the right direction. And it doesn't stop at 'nipple tuning'...there is bad kissing, squeezing your tits like they are stress balls (listen dickheads, they are actually attached OK?), slobbering in your ear (it's happened), one night stands expecting the works when clearly it's just drive through and not a three course damn meal and using teeth in any sort of way. Please girls, once you're done with them, make sure they are well trained and enlightened in the art of sexy time.

DO NOT TRY TO CUT YOUR OWN FRINGE - It just never works out. You end up looking special needs. Most hairdressing salons don't charge for a fringe trim anyway, so there's no frikkin excuse you lazy girl.

SPLIT THE BILL - Geez you cheap arseholes, come their chicken parmagana was like $5 more expensive than your garden salad....who fucking cares?! If you couldn't afford to go out for dinner then you shouldn't have accepted the invitation. And don't sit around waiting for your $1.75 change either, give the hard working waiter a tip God dammit! Do you want him to rub your steak between his ass next time? Well, DO YOU? This does not apply if the dinner was a date however, especially a first date and ESPECIALLY if he asked you out, then he should definitely pick up the tab. But if you asked him out well then obviously you should be the one reaching for your wallet and don't be expecting him to pay every time either. A certain amount of woo is necessary from the male, but there does come a time when the lady needs to rise up and pay her blinking way. This ain't the 50's darling, however fabulous that era may have been.

God speed xx


Tania said...

dammit I always used to cut my own fringe... got it right about half the time....the other 50% I end up looking v v special needs as you say!
tee hee lesson learnt the hard way!

love it..but some girls (ahem) like a little bit of teeth.. or am I alone?

Keep them coming they make me laugh!!!

Tam Tam said...

ok ok, there is a difference between a soft nibble of the bottem lip ... as long as it's your lips on your face and not ones.

bri said...

nipple tweakin can be ok, especially if they they happen to be a hairdresser and have just cut your fringe... ah who am i kidding, all the hair dressers i meet are gay and i cut my own fringe - and it looked spectacular. drunk again on the internet. bad choices bri, bad choices.

Tam Tam said...

Oh dear Bri, tweaking s fine, it's the 'tuning' that is just not on. And I cut my own fringe too...hence why I know it's a bad idea. Lets drink!