Thursday, October 29, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: BREAK UPS

HE SAY'S HE MISSES YOU BUT HE CAN'T BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW - Poor darling, I hate to break it to you, but 'can't' just means 'won't'. You will never convince him otherwise and he will never change his mind. He knows how awesome you are, and yet, he still wants to be apart. Listen to me now, if a man wants to be with you...he will be. Men really are that simple and not all that difficult to work out. He may be missing you, heck, he may even still love you but you really are not his priority right now. And you should be. Show him what it's like to really live without you. (NOTE: This does not mean murder, in any shape nor form)

TEMPTING AS IT IS, AVOID GOING BACK FOR BREAK UP SEX - Honey put your clothes back on, let go of his manhood and go get your hair done or something. I know what it's like. It's familiar, it's hot because there are a few mixed emotions still hanging around and it's nice to have sex with someone you know and feel comfortable with...for about five minutes. Break up sex still means that you have broken up. Then it's just awkward and you feel like a bucket of smashed hearts. Now listen up and listen good...and I don't care what you say...WOMEN CANNOT SEPARATE EMOTIONS AND SEX. It's true. And you know it. Now go put your own pair of hands to good personal use, and save the effort for someone who is worth it.

I FUCKING HATE THIS TERM, BUT THE FOLLOWING REASONS WILL GET YOU LABELLED A 'PSYCHO' - Breaking into his phone. Breaking into his email/facebook/myspace. Breaking into his house. Breaking any of his property. Phoning and hanging up. Phoning 63 times a day. Sending endless messages. (I've told you before, if he doesn't respond after means that he doesn't want to). Threatening to kill yourself. Threatening to kill his pets. Threatening to kill anybody. Shagging his mates. Shagging any of his family (not only will these two reasons get you labelled psycho, but they'll throw in 'slut' for good measure too). Phoning him and crying down the phone. Phoning his mates and crying down the phone. Walking around looking like something the dog spat up. Basically ladies, you're heart has been been smashed like a melon against the wall and you have lost the man you love. Let's not lose our dignity either. Try to keep an air of class and be the 'One that got away' and not 'The one I got away from'.

HE DOES NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED HOW FABULOUS YOU ARE - He knows. Yet he is still choosing to go through with it. Really? Do you really want to waste your time on someone so short sighted? Let's not play silly buggers and start the ball rolling marked 'the rest of your life'.

LETS BE TRUTHFUL, THE REJECTION IS STINGING A LITTLE MORE THAN LOSING HIM - Admit it. It's the 'What's wrong with me?!' question which is driving you crazy. Boys cannot be relied on for any kind of straightforward answers, which leaves us wondering if we're fat/ugly/rubbish in bed/not blonde enough/tits aren't big enough/always complained about his friends blah blah bloody blah. Thing is ... Kate Moss got dumped. Sienna Miller got dumped. Jennifer 'stop being such a fucking wimp' Aniston got dumped. There is nothing wrong with you. Stop worrying about it. Lose weight, get a facial or get your hair done if that's whats gonna make you feel a little happier but there is definitely another pile of sexy man sauce out there that is gonna wanna rip your clothes off and ravish you.

SOMETIMES DURING A BREAK UP OUR OWN DREAMS AND PLANS GET A LITTLE FUZZY - For instance...did you both have the same views on marriage? kids? religion? These are all major deal breakers. Did he listen to The Pixies or not? (OK, this is MY deal breaker). It's so tempting to just blurt out, 'Actually, I never want to get married either!' in a desperate pathetic attempt to keep him in your claws er...I mean arms. Try to ignore the white hot pain for a second so that you are able to re evaluate your wants and needs. In order to read a book together to the very end, you need to be on the same page almost from the start. Things like different views on curtain colours, whether Pete Doherty is a musical god or a drunken bafoon, how many sugars you take in your tea are all just simple mundane differences of opinion. But wanting a family or not, staying settled and buying a house versus travelling the globe and living where ever are all things you pretty much need to see eye to eye on. You know the truth deep down, stop ignoring it and take over the reigns of your life silly.

DID HE CHEAT ON YOU? - Now look here sugar, if there is another female banging about then get the hell out. Don't beg him to break if off with her or watch your dignity flush down the toilet with any sort of compromise. Trust me, that little lady will be finding solace in this very blog further along the line. Cheaters only cheat themselves because that means he doesn't get to be with you. Tell the wanker I said that.

IF YOU ARE SCARED OF BEING ALONE BECAUSE YOU WILL MISS CUDDLING WITH SOMEONE EVERY NIGHT THEN BUY A HOT WATER BOTTLE - Your lost self esteem may take a little longer to find than a new boyfriend so prioritise, OK babe?

It may not feel like it, but you will get over it. Just keep your dignity in check and do not eat the entire content of your fridge. You'll struggle to get happy again with a fat ass.

Chin up buttercup xx


uber_bri said...

owl slash tammy - number one was waaaay to close to home. lol - but i still love you and i live for your blog - this will be a book one day, keep going!!!!!

Tam Tam said...

The man good enough for you Bri has not been born yet and his mother is dead. I love you x