Sunday, November 22, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-sept

FACEBOOK UPDATES TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP/CALLING PEOPLE NAMES/ONLINE BRAWLS - ARE BEYOND TACKY - Don't get me wrong, it is super entertaining for the reader, but it makes you look a little pathetic. Facebook is an easy online playground to hang your dirty laundry, but would you say those things and behave that way in person? Because it's virtually the same thing. I have opinions and bad impressions of people I've never even met just because of their tacky demeanour on facebook. Pick up the phone and call your boyfriend, instead of asking him on a public forum who that blonde was he was speaking to. Social networks are great for staying in touch and networking, but you should hold back as much as you would in person...things like arguments, break downs, break ups, verbally abusing someone should all be sacred. All you are doing is making other people feel better about their own lives, because compared to yours, we aren't that fucked up after all.

LUCAS' PAW PAW OINTMENT AND ELIZABETH ARDEN 8 HOUR CREAM IS YOUR BEST FRIEND - The two virtually do the same thing. But it's great for eye cream, lip balm, cheek highlighting, grazed knees, dry cuticles, um...carpet burns, er...chafing, dry nipples and once I used it as lube. That wasn't so great actually. Don't try that one.

DOGS WILL ALWAYS SNIFF YOUR CROTCH WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD - Yeah that's right, get grossed out, but you know it fucking happens. That is why it is IMPERATIVE that you pay extra attention to hygiene during those days when the painters and decorators are in. That means bathe more you morons.

GET YOUR TITS MEASURED - An ill fitting bra can ruin your entire look. I have been blessed or cursed...depends how you wanna look at it...with DD's. For ages I was wearing a C and I had the '2 boob' look know what I'm talking about. Some hoe's like that because they like to show off their mammary glands like a cat with a dead mouse. But really, it does your chest no favours. Same goes for those that have itty bitty boobies. Stop wearing those God awful bras with those gel things in them...they sit away from your boobs with a little gap and you can see that you are trying to fake them! Embrace your flat chest Kate Moss styley and wear nothing! Or wear those gorgeous lacy little numbers that us girls with massive bazookas can only dream about. Hell, if I had small tits I'd wear sheer tops with nothing underneath, in a cool 'fuck you' kinda way. It really is just as subtle as those that get their generous cleavages out. And I would advise to have one great black bra that can go strapless, backless, and really is the best thing you can invest in as far as underwear goes. I have 2 and I have a few sexy naughty numbers for those special occasions...puurrrrrrr. So throw out those bad fitting, crappy bra's or just wear them on your head and pretend to be a world war fighter pilot.


Young Mind said...

My favourite thing about your advice posts is nodding in agreement of truth, with the occasional "shit, she's talking about me!"

There is something hilarious about the truth of the everyday life.

Anonymous said...

"Just wear them on your head and pretend to be a world war fighter pilot!"


Muttering Mark said...

The bit about the lube made me cackle out loud, not for my errors but those of a friend.... probably why i cackled so loud to the librian's annoyance.