Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-douze

DON'T START AN ARGUMENT JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY CARE - There is this new thing where others just feel irritated by insecure people instead of feeling sorry for them. You see, we all have insecurities and we all have different ways in nurturing (yes nurturing) them.  So if you want to pick a fight just so they can send you message after message going, 'Whats wrong?' or 'Are you OK?' therefore making you feel wanted and desired then you need to sit the fuck down and figure out what will make you happy and sort your life out.

GUYS ENJOY GAGGING - I think its because it makes them feel like their dick is massive. Don't worry, you won't actually throw up but make the noise. They like it. And you want to make them happy don't you? The sadistic bastards.

HE/SHE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH - It's private and none of their business and will only cause unreasonable drama. If they ask, just lie. Serves them right for being nosy.

GIRLS: HAVE SPECIAL PERIOD KNICKERS - Like ones you only wear during your period. You don't go hiking in your Jimmy Choos do you?  Exactly.

BORED, UNINSPIRED AND IRRITABLE? - Get a new haircut. Buy new sheets. Cook something you've never tried before. Reorganize your kitchen. Say yes to the guy who has been asking you out for ages.  Failing all of these? Pack up, sell everything you don't need and move to a new city.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-deux

IF YOU ARE FEELING PARANOID AND SAD, THE WORST THING EVER IS TO GO ON SOCIAL NETWORKS - Oh dear God.  Every single status update, tweet or general comment will be about you.  Well...at least in your head it will be.  You'll wonder why somebody did or didn't like your status. You will wonder how the person you haven't spoken to in 4 years and now lives in Brazil knows about your 'situation' when clearly their status update is about you. UNREASONABLE ASSUMPTIONS WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.  Switch off the laptop, put a mindless DVD on and go to bed.

IT SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD - Er....no, not that.  I'm talking about relationships here. It really shouldn't be such a fuck show...unless you're well...fucking!  But having these long God damn drawn out 'talks' about where shit is going and giving things '6 months' or won't live together until you're 'ready' is just ridiculous.  How the hell do you know when you're ready?  Someone calls out your ticket number?  Choosing a partner is not like family members you know, you actually have a choice in the matter.  Consider the percentages of how often you are happy vs sad or content vs angry.  It's not rocket science.

DRINK WATER - You will pee a lot, but your skin will look like the untouched buttocks of a newborn baby.

GUESS WHAT?!?!?! - Girls like sex!  Yup. True story.  They're not even a slut if they do.  They also sometimes write about it for a) humor and b) because it's real life.  It does not warrant every Tom, Dickhead and Harry to try and get them to say rude things so they can have a little wank about it later.  Got that?   Only genuine mature souls need apply.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR PERIOD? - You probs haven't so don't have sex. It will be embarrassing and you know it. The dregs is kinda like the wasps nest you don't wanna disturb...if you know what I mean?  Sorry if this is grossing you out boys, but I'm doing this for YOU.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON IF YOU CAN'T STAND A CHILD - They will probably grow up to be an asshole of an adult anyway, so maybe put your dislike on lay by if you are really feeling that bad about it. But seriously, some kids need to recognize hey...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-quartorze

QUIT TRYIN TO PLEASE EVERYBODY AND JUST FOCUS ON YOURSELF - Then you will stop feeling so unappreciated.

*EURGH* MUSICAL 'KNOW IT ALLS' JUST SHUT THE HELL UP - Yes it's all very clever how you know the exact date of the release of some band's 3rd album, and who they sampled, and how they are all influenced by Nick Cave or whatever...we can read the music blogs too buddy.  Notice how these music fancy pants always try to name the line up for a festival before it's released and they are 95% of the time wrong?  God is bored of you.

GIRLS, SOMETIMES IT IS KIND TO GAG - Like if he spent a fair bit on dinner, and he is a good kisser and  calls when he says he will and is the right combo of sensitive and manly.....but he is a little, um...shall we say...not given his fair share in the trouser snake department?  You should totally make gagging noises during the blowjob.   It's just a kind thing to do. He deserves it.

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?  DO YOU WHINE AT HIM ALL THE TIME?  DO YOU FIGHT WITH HIM DURING PARTIES AND CALL HIM INCESSANTLY WHEN HE IS WITH HIS FRIENDS?  - All his mates probs hate you and secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) wish that he would just fuck you off.  If you have to whine, it's not worth the time.  Just stop it.

LOSE THE BELLY BUTTON RING - It used to be cute...like in 1997.  Now it just joined the eye brow ring in the tacky department.

STOP LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH WET HAIR - Yuck. It really isn't a good look honey. Plus you will catch cold.

WHAT'S WITH THE PUTTING ON DISGUSTING TRAINERS WITH YOUR WORK ATTIRE AT THE END OF THE DAY? - I hate this with a passion.  I understand that heels can be bastards to the feet, but SURELY there are more appropriate shoes that are comfortable to walk to the train in after work?  And if you must wear those nasty ass trainers, at least compensate with a more appropriate outfit like a tracksuit or some shit.  God girl, I'm only saying it because I care but you look real 'pedestrian'.

CARRY A TAMPON WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES - Otherwise shit gets real when you didn't know shit was coming....mmmm girl, you know what I'm talkin about.

Results may vary x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-six

SOMETIMES, LIKE EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU - I know it sometimes seems that everything in your life is in the toilet and that everyone else around you looks like their life is sparkly and full of rainbows...nah ah sister, why don't you ask someone how THEY are doing for a change?   Sometimes when you are whinging and whining, I can almost guarantee that your mate is listening to you and thinking, 'Look love, could you kindly fuck off I am in the middle of booking an abortion here' ... We don't always know what somebody else may be going through is all I'm saying.

CLEAN YOUR DILDO/VIBRATOR - I didn't want to use the word 'crusty' but...you've left me no other option.  Please ladies, look after your hot box.

STOP ASKING IF YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ONLY WEIGH 50KG - Its annoying to those of us who weigh a little more and it also makes people want to rugby tackle you to the ground, and force feed you mars bars.  Work on that insecurity honey.

IF YOU USED TO BE THIN AND YOU PUT ON A BIT OF WEIGHT, THEN YOU CAN'T DRESS LIKE HOW YOU USED TO WHEN YOU WERE THIN - And when I say a bit of weight, I mean like 10kg.  Often I see girls who look bigger than what they actually are because they dress wrong, then the truly curvy girls look banging because they dress accordingly.  Plus, you know yourself if you have put on some weight...don't act surprised.

BOYS HATE IT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT OUR PERIOD - It's blood coming out of our vagina's...can you fucking blame them?  Come on ladies! Some decorum if you please tsk tsk

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR OWN VAGINA ... then how can you expect him to eat at Restaurant De la Pussy?

Keep it clean x

Sorry about all the talk of period and vagina's.  It's been one of those weeks x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-cing

YOU DON'T WANNA BE BRINGING OUT ALL YOUR TRICKS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEX - Easy does it tiger. Why watch the whole show if all the good things happen in the beginning?

TOTES LOOK INTO SOME KIND OF 'FEM FRESH' PRODUCT DURING YOUR PERIOD - Why do you even have to be told to sort your life out during these fuck show days? And remember, if you think you're finished...you probs aren't. Give it another day before you get back to your normal daily activities.

DON'T CALL SOMEONE WHO IS WAY OLDER THAN YOU 'MATE' OR 'DARLING' - I seriously wouldn't blame them if they pistol whipped you hey. I mean fuck, I want to punch those little teens who try to act all pal pal with me. Prolly 'cause I'm jealous of their youth and vitality. But mainly 'cause it's irritating.

DRINK THAT WHOLE BOTTLE OF RED - It's good for you.

DO NOT SEND 'THAT' MESSAGE - i.e. 'Why haven't I heard from you?' or 'Why don't you want to speak to me?' or 'Have you been getting all my messages?' CRINGE! Stop ruining your life. If he likes you it means he'll think about you which means he'll message you. Otherwise, let it be. Face facts. It does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It does not mean that there is anything wrong with him either. Some things just don't happen. Welcome to life.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 6

THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GIRL WITH PMS ... 'WHAT'S UP? HAVE YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD OR SOMETHING?' - It is also the worst thing you can say to a girl if she is just in a bad mood. Don't make us want to kill you. Just don't.

TRY NOT TO ROLL OVER IN THE MORNING AND PROD US IN THE BACK WITH YOUR MORNING GLORY - Seriously. Just ask instead of poking us in the back with your willy like you are all manly with your big stick stoking the fire.

CHOOSING TITS OVER SUBSTANCE WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS IN THE END - Those boobies will drop eventually, and when they do, you best hope she has more beer than foam going on in her head to keep you interested. And don't think that you can just go out and find some new tight ass, because a lot of things on you would have dropped by then as well.

THE FOLLOWING THINGS WOULD MAKE YOU A CHEATER: Sex texting another girl - better know as 'sexting', sending raunchy emails, asking another girl to send you raunchy emails and photos, phone sex, hitting on another girl when you are out and asking for her phone number and then sexting her and arranging to meet up - even if you don't meet up, you have been intimate. So just because you didn't get any pussy, doesn't mean you ain't a bad guy. So screw you and your fucking loop holes.

The last one goes for girls as well, don't worry...I'm always telling them off too x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-sept

FACEBOOK UPDATES TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP/CALLING PEOPLE NAMES/ONLINE BRAWLS - ARE BEYOND TACKY - Don't get me wrong, it is super entertaining for the reader, but it makes you look a little pathetic. Facebook is an easy online playground to hang your dirty laundry, but would you say those things and behave that way in person? Because it's virtually the same thing. I have opinions and bad impressions of people I've never even met just because of their tacky demeanour on facebook. Pick up the phone and call your boyfriend, instead of asking him on a public forum who that blonde was he was speaking to. Social networks are great for staying in touch and networking, but you should hold back as much as you would in person...things like arguments, break downs, break ups, verbally abusing someone should all be sacred. All you are doing is making other people feel better about their own lives, because compared to yours, we aren't that fucked up after all.

LUCAS' PAW PAW OINTMENT AND ELIZABETH ARDEN 8 HOUR CREAM IS YOUR BEST FRIEND - The two virtually do the same thing. But it's great for eye cream, lip balm, cheek highlighting, grazed knees, dry cuticles, um...carpet burns, er...chafing, dry nipples and once I used it as lube. That wasn't so great actually. Don't try that one.

DOGS WILL ALWAYS SNIFF YOUR CROTCH WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD - Yeah that's right, get grossed out, but you know it fucking happens. That is why it is IMPERATIVE that you pay extra attention to hygiene during those days when the painters and decorators are in. That means bathe more you morons.

GET YOUR TITS MEASURED - An ill fitting bra can ruin your entire look. I have been blessed or cursed...depends how you wanna look at it...with DD's. For ages I was wearing a C and I had the '2 boob' look going...you know what I'm talking about. Some hoe's like that because they like to show off their mammary glands like a cat with a dead mouse. But really, it does your chest no favours. Same goes for those that have itty bitty boobies. Stop wearing those God awful bras with those gel things in them...they sit away from your boobs with a little gap and you can see that you are trying to fake them! Embrace your flat chest Kate Moss styley and wear nothing! Or wear those gorgeous lacy little numbers that us girls with massive bazookas can only dream about. Hell, if I had small tits I'd wear sheer tops with nothing underneath, in a cool 'fuck you' kinda way. It really is just as subtle as those that get their generous cleavages out. And I would advise to have one great black bra that can go strapless, backless, and halter...it really is the best thing you can invest in as far as underwear goes. I have 2 and I have a few sexy naughty numbers for those special occasions...puurrrrrrr. So throw out those bad fitting, crappy bra's or just wear them on your head and pretend to be a world war fighter pilot.