Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: ALL HAIL THE BUSH

FOR BOYS ONLY

So here we go then. A guide for you fellas in the art of cunnilingus. ('Going down on us' for the slow one's). Believe it or not, there are a few woman who do not enjoy having their bit's licked - they are obviously mad. If they have had been orally stimulated correctly, I doubt this would be the case. Having a man give you head is possibly one of the best things in the world. Ever. Followed closely by a pair of Christian Louboutin heels. But you know what is even better? Wearing a pair of Louboutins WHILST having your vagina licked. Oh a girl can dream...

Well here we go boys...take it all in now...

THE BUILD UP - Come now gentleman, you don't wanna be rushing in quicker than Britney Spears into KFC - easy does it. Pay the inner thighs some attention. Kiss and lick them tenderly and gently stroke her lady lips. They're not going anywhere and they also don't talk back! Well, some don't.

THE INITIAL LICK - This is where most guys screw it up, because they go straight for the clit and stay there, staring up at us with proud little faces waiting for us to magically explode. If she does...she's faking it.

USE YOUR HANDS - Don't make me say it - you know what I mean.

USE THAT TONGUE LIKE IT'S FOR SALE AND RENT IS DUE - Roll the tip and somewhat flat part of your tongue around the clit in a circular motion. Do this slowly and when we say don't stop...that means...don't fucking stop. It is uber crucial to hold your rhythm here.

LISTEN TO HER BREATHING - Use this as feedback and respond with your tongue. If our breathing is steady, you are doing it right. She should be breathing heavily now, not moaning, breathing. The key still remains that you DON'T STOP, not even to pick a hair out of your mouth or to gaze at us fondly - there is plenty of time for that.

KEEP THAT RHYTHM GOING - Listen to her breathing, the faster your tongue the faster her breathing should be and if it's on target, start using the tip of your tongue. Flick it back and forth as fast as you can, practice on the end of your finger...do it now! It's kinda like using your tongue as a vibrator. If you can keep this up and DON'T STOP then after about a minute...she will be loving you.

SHE HAS YET TO ARRIVE? - Then stick two fingers inside and hook them and then flick 'em back and forth as if you are doing a 'come here' motion with. You want your fingers to hold the harmony, while your tongue works the melody - if you know what I mean. (I wish I could take credit for that comparison, but sadly not) This should do it. And if you are lucky, you might experience the elusive female ejaculation.

YOU'RE NOT DONE - Nope, you most certainly are not. After cumming she will be super sensitive and will probably try and push your head away and squirm but don't budge, and pretty soon, she will scream again and declare you 'King of the Pussy'.

You will know if you have done a good job because she should be super eager to please after this. However, after all your effort and if you did it all correctly and she did have a mind blowing orgasm but she doesn't aim to please then I give you full permission to slap her in the face with your penis.

Go forth and conquer x

(It's my pleasure girls)


10 comments:

Tania said...

ok I your really making me bush I mean blush on this one...

Cassandra Marie said...

lofl! this is great!

anyways...just wanted to let you know that I'm having a pretty little giveaway on my blog... just in case you wanted to enter!

xo
Cassie

http://moonfaceon.blogspot.com/2009/11/first-giveaway.html

Obnoxious Owl said...

Thanks ladies, I blushed a little writing it, I must admit. I'll check it out Cass x

Kerry said...

Wow! Talk about x-rated. You need a NSFW tag in that title girl.... LOL. Good post! ;)

Obnoxious Owl said...

Well, someone needed to say it x

aDeLiNe said...

You should be awarded the Nobel Peace Price.

Obnoxious Owl said...

I agree haha! x

Mister S. said...

Great guide. Not that I need it *cough* *cough*...

You should probably add the "Alphabet" game in there as well...

Power-nerd said...

Blushes or no, it's more than excellent to have a lady make this clear for yours truly. As someone who hasn't really been given the opportunity to learn first-hand, I look forward to surprising some young lady following your advice. Thanks Tammy!

Obnoxious Owl said...

She'll be a lucky lady x