Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 30 (how appropriate seeing as that is my lucky number in 2 weeks!)

FOR BOYS ONLY

AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE' - In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you're sad and laughs at all your lame ass jokes? However you can't help but wonder if maybe there might be someone better? Guess what sunshine, there ain't. 

MINI LESSON ON WHAT'S A CLIT KILLER: Getting involved in girl beef (not curtains, just general daily gossip and stupid shit).  Over using emoticons. A filthy bedroom. Dirty fingernails. Over using social media with blatant contrived statements you thought of earlier that day and have been waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it on your followers. No job and no desire to even get a job. Homophobia. Lying on your back with your hands behind your head whilst gesturing at your hard dick with your eyes and saying, 'Go mad'.

 'BED SHEETS' HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE THINGS THAT GIRLS LOOK AT - I know what you think I'm gonna say...'no Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle sheets' - you did think that hey? NO. That's fine. Although, they seldom make those kids covers for anything bigger than a single bed so....what the fuck dude? We look at CLEANLINESS and how threadbare the bloody duvets are. Also for girls underwear, used tissues under the pillow and those tell tale white marks. Sort it out love.

WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON HEAD GAMES? - Yeah I know chicks do it too, but you guys are WAY worse. I truly believe it's because you are so scared of confrontation that you would rather us read your actions or between the lines of you not texting/calling/skyping back so we ironically 'get the message'. Grow some yeah?

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS ALSO - You guys apply logic towards emotion which makes you come across as insensitive. Women apply emotion to logic which makes them come across dramatic. We don't know why we all do the things we do and life is all about figuring that out in my opinion. But in the meantime, let's just get naked and laugh about it.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 29

FOR BOYS ONLY

PLEASE! RATHER JUST SAY NOTHING INSTEAD OF 'TAKE CARE' - This goes hand in hand with calling us 'mate'.  It's kind of the same feeling when you are into a girl and she tells you that you are like a brother to her.  Yeah. THAT fucking feeling.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE CLIT IS? - Like for real, do you?  Because according to recent studies (my girlfriends) 97% of you are still in struggle town.  Yeah I KNOW it's harder than it seems and we are a fickle lot but there is being a millimetre off to the right and then there is tenderly stroking our groin.  Here you go.

LENGTH IS NOT IMPORTANT - Girth is more our thang.  But if you weren't blessed with either, just fuck like it's massive.  She'll never know!  But also, if you are in fact massive don't pretend to be drunk just so you can get your cock out and everyone can go ,'Whoah dude you're huge' and don't think that your giant member makes you some kind of chick whisperer either...that attitude just makes you a big dick.

IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE JEWELRY WEARING KIND OF CHAP, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT OWN A JEWELRY BOX - I don't feel I need to elaborate on this.

IF YOU HATE GETTING LAID YOU SHOULD WEAR A BEANIE IN SUMMER - And sandals during winter.  It's not essential but it will definitely help.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 28

FOR BOYS ONLY

WE ARE MORE MANIPULATIVE THAN YOU CAN EVER BEGIN TO IMAGINE - It all started when your mum told you that eating all your carrots will make you see in the dark. Or when she made 'choo choo' noises with your food and pretended the brussel sprout was a train and your mouth the tunnel.  Wherever you look, there is a female 'innocently' convincing you to do something. Some of you turn into cunts and become uber defiant and others doormats. My only advice is for you to know your enemy and pick your arguments.

DON'T OVER DO THE EMOTICONS IN YOUR TEXT MESSAGES - It is SUCH a clit killer dude. Like srsly. Also, if you want the text convo to become a sext convo, then build up to it. Don't be all Seedy Mcgee after just 3 messages.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SOME OF YOU ARE WEARING TOP KNOTS AND HANDBAGS BUT I HOPE IT FUCKING ENDS SOON. - That's all.

IF YOU CAN'T GET IT UP, ITS ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL - The cringe part is when you make a big deal out of it. It happens! Chill the fuck out. Lay back. Play with her pussy. Stop thinking about it so much. Don't let your brain have all the blood that your dick needs. Sometimes we fanny fart and sometimes you can't get a stiff breeze. It's Gods way of showing us we're only human.

PLEASE DON'T ORDER HOT CHOCOLATE WHEN YOU GO OUT FOR COFFEE WITH A GIRL - It is BEYOND lame. I know some people don't like coffee (its embarrassing) but please don't smear salt in the decaffeinated wounds by ordering hot chocolate. Order tea rather if you really can't handle the bean but hot chocolate drinkers who are dudes that hide behind calling it 'lets go out for coffee' probably listen to James Blunt and/or Coldplay.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 27

FOR BOYS ONLY

FAIL PROOF STEEZE - Not enough of you wear well fitted jeans with plain CLEAN white t shirts. Too many of you are still wearing boxers with cartoons on them. Girls like you to be simple, fresh and clean.  Some girls like those dirty ones who haven't showered in about a week and look like they were on a heroin binge instead. Each to their own I s'pose, but I know my kind of girl, and my kind of girl ain't rollin with none of that.

DON'T BE LAZY - We do not see it as a privilege to give you a blow job for 20 minutes until our jaw feels like it does after you have been in the dentist chair for half an hour. The moaning, the eye watering, the watching of the teeth, the remembering to not forget your balls, the pretending like we love it...we do this for YOU. Then when you ask us 'if we want to sit on it' like you are doing us a favor while all the while you just get to lay there and we have to be some kind of pole dancer on a fleshy pole, it isn't really doing THAT much for us. You just look like a starfish with a hard on.

DON'T SQUEEZE SO HARD - We'll squeeze your balls as hard as you squeeze our tits. Deal?

'LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE FREE TO CATCH UP' - If you are into a girl, then this is the line of a pussy. Eurgh, just be a fucking man. Set a date. Be keen but not pushy. Be assertive but not bossy. Pull our hair but do it tenderly. Read between the lines but don't be presumptuous. We don't ask for much do we?

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO DRIVE AND AMBITION - Ever wondered why Donald Trump is macking out with a hot piece of ass on the reg? Don't even get me started on Hugh Hefner! Money you say? Sure it helps to be laying on 5000 count Egyptian cotton when his old ass is jack hammering you, but the cash is a bi product of the ultimate attraction...power. Jay Z did not nail Beyonce because of his rugged good looks 'cause homeboy ain't no oil painting, and Lord knows 'yonce don't need the money. Ms Knowles got excited in her knickers because he is a man of integrity, ambition and determination. Nice guys really do finish last, and not because you have no money, but because you suck on your bong all day watching South Park.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 26

SOME DECORUM WHEN TAKING A LEAK IN PUBLIC PLEASE! - At a party a few nights ago a dude who was winning at life stumbled over, whipped his little pecker out and started to pee in a corner right next to us  - the fumes from his 90% beer urine blended with the balmy summer night and it totally aroused us. Then he walked over and tried to kiss my friend. She declined. He couldn't understand why! Then he sat down on the arm of the chair and it broke. All of us started fighting over who was gonna have his children.

UM, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS ... - But putting your flaccid penis in our mouth to help make it hard just makes us dry as a bone. There. That wasn't that hard actually! *pun intended*

PLEASE DON'T OVER USE THE SMILEY FACE IN TEXT MESSAGES - It's gay.

EASY WITH THE WORD 'SLUT' - OK maaaaaaaybe in bed once or twice. But just because we played with our hair when we spoke to another dude or decided to maybe lift the hemline on our skirt a bit, does NOT give you the right to just throw the word 'slut' around. Take your Chris Brown attitude and check yourself.  Dickhead.

Phew. I'm angry today.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 25

FOR BOYS ONLY

WOMEN ARE STILL UP FOR CHIVALRY - I'm reading your mind right now, and I'm reading that you are thinking 'Well act like a fucking lady then' and it's true! But there seems to be a chicken and an egg sitch happening here. Like, did girls start becoming more of a beer slurping, potty mouthed, unromantic breed and therefore, men feel strange opening doors for them?  Or did girls decide to take a if you can't beat 'em, join 'em approach?  I think that girls are just out to impress boys by being crass and vulgar (especially on social networks and um, blogs) but deep down, they still want a prince to sweep in and treat them like a Disney princess. 

BUT HERE'S THE CONUNDRUM FOR YOU LOT... - The trend for dirty, badass sex is on the rise amongst chicks. It is!  Thanks to shows such as 'Secret Diaries of a Call Girl' and the ever trusty old Sarah Jessica (walks into a bar) Parker in Sex and the City, it has become more acceptable for women to be more open about their sexual preferences..out loud. So here they are online and in social situations saying how much they love a finger being slipped in the ass, or taking a load in their face and THEN are expecting you to be all, 'Hey baby you OK? You cold? you want my jacket?' And you know what? So they should! Don't let a women's behaviour in front of you fool you...she wants you to be a gentleman and woo her (yes woo) - and then whisper 'whore' into her ear in the bedroom. Confusing for you? Yes. But only if you aren't yet a man and can't handle it.

WHEN SHE TELLS YOU 'I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY BOOBS/NOSE/LIPS DONE' ... - it means she wants you to go 'Why?! You don't need to!' - humor her please.

GROW SOME AND DON'T ASK A GIRL OUT OVER CHAT OR ANY OTHER FORM OF ONLINE MEDIA - Caallllllllllllllllllllll Heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Fuck.

FANNY FARTS HAPPEN - And we thank you for making us feel comfortable about them. Ignoring it is always good but making a light hearted joke can be cute. Just don't be a wanker about it, because Lord knows, one day you ain't gonna be bringing any wood to the party and you will end up being that fat kid crying in the corner. Ya get me? x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 24

FOR BOYS ONLY

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE FELLAS WHO KNOW WHATS UP

THANK YOU FOR NOT GETTING IT IN OUR EYE - Shit stings like a rolled up wet towel to the back of the leg.  We love you for being careful.

THANK YOU FOR NOT POPPING YOUR COLLAR - And a BIG thank you for not popping the collar on a baby pink Ralph Lauren polo.  And we could give you a pins and needles inducing wristie for not teaming this with ill fitting bootleg jeans and highlighting the tips of your hair. MWAH!  When you pop, we most certainly are able to stop.

THANK YOU FOR NOT RUNNING YOUR MOUTH ALL OVER TOWN ABOUT WHAT WE ARE LIKE IN THE SACK - You see, it doesn't work the same for us as it does for you.  If people get wind of how big your dick is and that you can lick pussy like an electric paintbrush, you are labeled KING!  If if gets round town that we can suck like a Dyson and ride like we at the rodeo, then girls call us sluts and gentlemen get their dirty text message sleaze on.  We still have a long way to go till equality and we thank you for your discretion.

SHOUT OUT TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T MOCK AND JUDGE OUR LOVE OF GOSSIP GIRL AND OTHER SUCH MINDLESS TELEVISION - Yeah, it's probably because you guys are under the understanding that it's not like you are sitting in front of the financial news every evening, and are instead playing with your little make believe digital men and shooting other cartoons. We all have our vice's and thank you for respecting our shallow girly ones!

A BIG THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE KIND AND CONSIDERATE TO YOUR EX GIRLFRIENDS - Thank you for having the maturity in knowing that some things just don't work out and that parading some bimbo around town and writing cryptic Facebook updates won't make you feel any better in the end.  Owl girls LOVE a man with integrity.

A BIG MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE MEN WHO KNOW HOW TO PUT A PILLOW UNDER OUR ASS - It's just win win all round.

Big love...your little Christmas Owl x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 23

FOR BOYS ONLY

CLEAN YOUR FINGERNAILS -  Else there ain't NO WAY those bad boys are getting into any of our crevices.  What if you have a bit of happy juice underneath them from when you last performed the Jedi Hand Trick and you give us herpes?  Not to mention the possibility of chicken grease and various other food like residues.  A bit of Dettol hand wash goes a long way my lovelies.

YOU ARE NOT A 'FAG' IF YOU WEAR SKINNY JEANS - WHY are some of you acting like they have just come into fashion or something?  Aren't we over it now? They're here. They're queer. Get used to it.

DON'T PULL THAT HORRIFIED FACE WHEN WE GO TO KISS YOU AFTER A BLOWJOB - What are you scared of?  It's your own penis!  You scratch your balls all day long, and by the look of your fingernails, I KNOW you ain't be washing yo hands before you eat your sushi. And by sushi, I mean salmon NOT twat.

SEND FLOWERS - Chicks who say they hate receiving flowers are tryna be all 'new age' and anti old school romance in order to impress you.  What they don't realise is that so many of you are slightly clueless and if they start bashing at the classics then they gonna get nothing.  Roses are always good, white or pink.  Personally I'm a tulip girl.  In case you were wondering.

EAT PUSSY - Use your fingers.  Whip that tongue back and forth. Nibble. Suck. Softly tap with your fingers. Make her cum in your mouth. Spit it back at her. Put that finger in deeper. Tell her how pretty her pussy is. I swear to God she will declare you king of her world.  Don't wanna give head? Well then you better make your way to the florist quick smart son.

LET'S HEAR IT FROM THE BOYS!!!!

My friend and Adam Levine impersonator Ryan Boserio and I were discussing over free cider and honey glazed cashews the other night, the different ways to tie a tie, as you do, and the topic of this blog came up.  He asked if I had ever considered having a boy guest blog...you know, an actual real life smelly BOY giving advice.  I won't lie, the thought has crossed my mind in the past, but I poo poo'd the idea because I didn't want them getting all smart ass up in my domain you know?  But then, when Boserio brought it up I thought, 'Yeah, I do give them a hard time, it's time to hand over the soap box for a bit'

Naturally as Ryan had prompted me, it was obvious he would be the guest blogger, but I then realized that we are halfway through MOvember, and we are supposed to be looking after all the boys prostates with a moustache or something, I might as well make the rest of the month all about the fella's on Obnoxious Owl 'cause Laaawwwwd doth know I like me a mans.  This is why I have asked the funniest, most creative guys I know to contribute and the response was so positive, that I may now be slightly afraid.  

I really wanted Ryan to be first up, but he is too busy doing other things like being a fancy artist etc, but he will be up soon, don't worry your pretty little feathery heads about it.  For the next two weeks I'm handing the mic over to the gentlemen.  Lord help me.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 22

IF A WOMAN DEMANDS SOME KIND OF 30 THOUSAND DOLLAR ENGAGEMENT RING, IT MEANS SHE NEEDS CONFIRMATION THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HER - And you probably aren't ready to get married. I mean fuck, if you are in love then a mood ring would do...ya get me?

JUST BECAUSE YOU GO FOR A COUPLE OF NICE MEALS AT A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU ONLY DRINK GREY GOOSE VODKA DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE TOP CLASS - There are probably more families living in the slums of Bombay or in a shanty town in Khayalitsha that have more class than some footballers and their wives.  Class comes from within.  You can throw a nice suit on an asshole but his true colours will always come through. Like throwing cement on top of weeds.

AGAIN I HAVE TO SAY, STOP SENDING PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS - They are actually pretty weird looking.  We prefer to feel them, not see them.  But thanks for the visual.

MAN, IT'S SO SEXY WHEN YOU SULK! - Not.

IT'S KINDA SEXY WHEN YOU CATCH OUR EYE IN TRAFFIC - The other day, some dude did mock fellatio on a banana at me on the freeway. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda liked it.

WHEN GIRLS GET PRETEND OFFENDED WHEN YOU LOOK AT THEIR TITS INSTEAD OF THEIR FACE, IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT THEY ARE A FLOOZY -  They actually secretly love it.  But I get the feeling most of you already knew that.

obnoxiousowl@gmail.com - special email account for penis photos x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 21

FOR BOYS ONLY

IF A GIRL TALKS ABOUT HER PERIOD OR FARTS IN FRONT OF YOU, SHE PROBS ONLY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS - This does not apply to long term relationships obvs...those people do loads of wack shit in front of each other.  No chick will do that stuff in front of a dude she is crushing on.

DON'T LOOK FOR COMPLIMENTS - You know how you find it amusing/irritating/off putting when girls do it? Ditto.

STOP GETTING INTO FIGHTS - Fuck it's annoying. ESPECIALLY when it didn't even concern you in the first place, but you just HAD to 'jump in' to 'help' a friend.  Boys who love drama and scenes SO need to be voted off the island.

THE TINIEST AMOUNT OF JEALOUSY CAN BE A TURN ON - Just a smidge. However. I will confirm right here and now for you fellas that girls definitely do try to make you jealous on purpose...usually with someone you know, but not always.  But the way to counter it, is to pretend not to notice.  It will drive her up the wall and she will let you drive one up her later.

PLEASE DON'T SULK - For the love of GOD.  It might have worked with Mummy, but it ain't gonna work here sunshine.

DO NOT SEX YOUR BUDDY'S SISTER - It's not like you are in love. It's lust. And it's selfish.  Don't think you can keep it under your hat either, because this crap ALWAYS gets out.  You stand to potentially lose a pretty good friendship over your wondering penis.  Don't shit where you eat basically.

WASH YOUR SHEETS - It should be fortnightly, but I'm a realist, so I guess monthly...at a push.  And ALWAYS wash them after a one night stand.  If you can't be bothered, at least lay down newspaper before you get your freak on.

Dirty dogs x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 20

FOR BOYS ONLY

DON'T ASK US, JUST DO IT - I'm talking about the dirty stuff here.  It's hot if you just take matters into your own hands and own that shit.  Except for where the jizz goes...that's up to us. Sozz.

CALL HER !! - Man up bonehead.

STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING 'UP TALKER' - Anything we can do you can do better hey? Eurgh, know-it-all dudes are such clit killers.

CHOOSE YOUR CAR COLOUR WISELY - Yellow and purple cars are not Owl friendly.  My girls hate those. Tacky and tasteless...plus, what does that tell us about your life choices?  Exactly.

ALWAYS WALK ROAD SIDE NEXT TO A GIRL - Don't underestimate the power of chivalry.  Chicks totally dig it.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMAN AND GIRLS ... - A girl will be impressed with the amount of money you earn and your status.  A woman is impressed with manners and the fact that an independent woman intrigues you...not frightens you.  A woman also enjoys it if you are able to flip her over with one hand.

EAT PUSSY - Stop being such a selfish brat.

miss you x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 19

FOR BOYS ONLY

THE MOST OFF PUTTING THING YOU COULD EVER DO IS TO TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY - Unlike you boys, we need more than just a pair of tits to give us a hard on.  Make us laugh and best of all, have the ability to laugh at yourself.  It's hella sexy.

HAVE A BIT OF DRIVE - We aren't asking you to be a millionaire or to be the next Richard Branson or anything.  All we ask is that you pull you finger out and strive to be the best that you can be.  If the sentence ever changes from 'Yeah, I smoke a bit of weed from time to time' to 'I'm a bit of a stoner' - that means you have no drive. 

STOP DOING THAT TWISTIE THING WITH YOUR FINGERS - We aren't an orange, and you sure as hell ain't an orange juicer.  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about all you twisted twisties out there!  And while we're on the subject...you need to work up to 4 fingers.  This ain't Thanksgiving, and we ain't no turkey.  So we are not an orange, nor are we a turkey...got it?

CARTOON CHARACTERS ON YOUR UNDERWEAR IS A CLIT KILLER - FYI

STOP TRYING TO BE THE DUDE YOU THINK SHE WANTS YOU TO BE, AND OWN THE PERSON YOU ARE - A little 'Hallmark' I know, but I really want to get through to you that confidence, drive and living up to your own personal identity will make you irresistible.

YEAH, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU 'LOST YOUR WAY' - We know you were aiming for the bum. We weren't born yesterday.  Well, actually...I've seen some real young ones on the arms of some of you fella's, THEY probably were.

Let's date! x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 18

FOR BOYS ONLY

ASK BEFORE YOU JIZZ - Mouth/Face/Tits - it's not for you to decide.

WE ARE DIFFERENT TO YOU - Like, we can't stay with you just because you're pretty but you are bad in bed.  It definitely seems as though you are able to date some hottie who sucks dick like a dead goldfish but nah ah...not us fellas.  Moral of the story?  Be amazing in bed.

STOP RUINING GIRLS WITH YOUR FUCK SHOW MIND GAMES - Yeah girls are suckers for it.  Yeah, some woman has probably fucked with your head once before and now you have 'trust issues' ... blah blah, well do me a favour and tell Dr Phil instead of getting under girls skin and then leaving her for wondering and anxiously checking her phone.

STOP WAXING/SHAVING YOUR CHEST! - We actually love chest hair...true story.  It's the back hair we ain't so keen on.  A lovely little tuft on your chest is way better than regrowth stubble.  Stubble is on the jawline, not the chest.  Get it right!

CARRY CONDOMS - You never know when you're gonna get lucky.  And if she is offended that you just happen to have a little cock raincoat in your pocket, then she probably deserves to get herpes or worse...pregnant.

IF YOU GO OVER TO 'WATCH DVD'S', TAKE A BOTTLE OF WINE - It'll make you look great and earn you major points.  Also, if ya feeling daring, take a dirty film and if the mood looks as though it may swing that way then maybe suggest that 'a friend of yours left one of his porno's in your car and wouldn't it be funny if you guys watched it?'  You know, say it's a friends so that you don't look like a creepy pervert. 

Wear a condom! xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 18

FOR BOYS ONLY

OWN AT LEAST ONE SUIT - It needs to fit perfectly and make you look like James Bond. It needs to not be polyester.  Your mum shouldn't have helped you buy it when you were 17 for your year 12 ball.  The sleeves should not cover knuckles.  A velvet suit can be hot...jus sayin.

IF YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN OUR BUM AND DON'T SPIT ON IT OR LUBE IT UP SOMEHOW, IT WILL HURT - You bastard.

MAKE IT FEEL AS IF YOU ARE GOING TO RAPE US - But then don't. I'm not saying rape is cool, rape is bad. But to most girls, the feeling of danger is a total turn on.  If you are a girl, and you have been genuinely raped and you're reading this, I'm sorry.  But I'm not deleting this, because its the truth. 

STOP DESCRIBING GIRLS AS 'STARFISH' WHEN THEY JUST 'LAY THERE' - Ever thought that you may be a 'dud fuck' arsehole?  She was prolly just bored.

IF YOU READ A TEXT MESSAGE, AND THEN QUICKLY PUT YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET AND DART A LOOK OVER AT YOUR MISSUS, SHE WILL BE SUSPICIOUS - Stop being a wanker and tryna turn your girl into some kinda psycho just so that you a) feel needed and b) can get into a 'who has the most psycho girlfriend' debate with your friends.  We're onto you.......

IF YOU HAVE LONG HAIR, WEARING IT IN A BUN IS NOT A GOOD LOOK - Who do you think you are?  Mr Miyagi some shit?

Love you x 

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 17

FOR BOYS ONLY

GIRLS STILL STUFF THEIR BRAS - You know how to tell? The spillage is more that whats in the glass...ya get me?

WE LOVE IT WHEN YOU SULK - It makes us wanna give you wristies tillz we get pins and needles. Not.

LOSE THE MAN BAG - First vomit on it, THEN lose it.

IT'S NOT COOL TO JUST GO FOR THE VAGINA WITHIN 5 SECONDS OF MAKING OUT - The trick is to make her beg. Didn't your father teach you anything?

*WE CAN SQUIRT, IT'S TRUE - But not on demand. You need to know what you are doing. Sozz.

HONESTLY? SIZE DOES KINDA MATTER - But 99% of the time it's fine. Just act like your cock is massive no matter what...because really, what else can you do?

MOST TIMES, YOU WILL LOOK WAY HOTTER IF YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD - No wait...that's just my fetish. Whatevs, just make sure you have a nice looking head first.

*Some girls can totally squirt on demand. They are rare and they are freaks. If you find one, you got the golden ticket to Wonka's factory.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 16

FOR BOYS ONLY - A BIT OF A SHOUT OUT

I always seem to be having bit of a go...so here's a bit of a 'thanks for that' - this is for the fellas who know what they are doing....x

THANK YOU FOR KNOWING THE RIGHT INTENSITY IN WHICH TO SQUEEZE OUR NIPPLES - There is a fine line between pain and pleasure and you totally get it. We heart you.

THANK YOU FOR NOT OVER GROOMING - You understand that you only basically need to smell nice and to be dressed in such a way that is not contrived and your clothes are clean. You are so hot.

THANK YOU FOR PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE OUR FANNY FARTS - You totes understand that our vagina's are like little caves and can trap air, so when something is plunged into them it causes the air to escape. You are mature enough to know it's not real and you are gentleman enough to ignore it. Thank you for not being a dick!

THANK YOU FOR NOT BEING A PUSSY - Those of you that know how to be a MAN without being a neanderthal are most appreciated. Just letting you know.

THANK YOU FOR BEING SENSITIVE TO THE FACT THAT WHEN ANOTHER GIRL COPIES OUR STYLE IT PISSES US OFF - We already know it's petty...and you understand that girl politics is best left to girls. Look at you being all understanding and shit...naww :)

THANK YOU FOR SPITTING ON OUR AREA WHEN WE ARE NO LONGER...UM, MOIST - Fuck you're hot.

THANK YOU FOR NOT LIKING STUPID MUSIC SUCH AS 'ART VS SCIENCE' - We adore you.

THANK YOU FOR TUGGING OUR HAIR BACK WITH THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF STRENGTH AND GENTLENESS - Of course we'll take it in the bum!

THANK YOU FOR BRUSHING YOUR TEETH - You have no idea what we have to put up with usually.

THANK YOU FOR REPLYING TO OUR TEXT MESSAGES WITHOUT MAKING US FEEL LIKE WE ARE NAGGING BITCHES - Your mama taught you right.

THANK YOU FOR KNOWING WHEN WE WANT TO BE RAVISHED LIKE A DIRTY WENCH, AND WHEN A SOFT LITTLE FUCK WILL DO - You say all the right things...

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO DELICIOUS X

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 15

FOR BOYS ONLY

NO WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR 'SCHLONG' - And stop calling it 'schlong', what is this? 1998? You will be hard pressed to find a girl that gets off just by looking at a penis...it takes more than that gentleman.

DON'T CHEAT - I know its hard, hell, I see what you guys have to put up with on a daily basis...chicks are hot. And your poor little penis brain can't handle all the stimulation and it needs to be released. Take it out on your girl...she'll appreciate it. Just don't cheat, OK?

WHITE LEATHER BELTS WITH 'IRONIC' BELT BUCKLES MAKE YOU NOT SHAG WORTHY - They kinda never did.

ON THE FIRST DATE, SHE SHOULD OFFER TO PAY - But you should decline. If she doesn't at least offer, or make fake advances for her wallet, then she will have your balls in vice if the relationship ever progresses. Unless of course you want a mindless bimbo, but I am an ambassador for modern, intelligent females.

WE DON'T NEED IT BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THE GIRL WHO JUST WALKED PAST US HAS AMAZING TITS/LEGS - We know you looked anyway, and we understand. We don't need the commentary. Keep it subtle you douche bag.

DO NOT USE FAKE TAN - If I have to tell you why, then you are all ready to far gone and the case is hopeless.

IF A CUTE GIRL OFFERS TO BUY YOU A DRINK WHEN YOU'RE OUT, ACCEPT IT - Even if you aren't keen, just have a drink with her and be nice. This is not an opportunity to be a sleaze bucket, it's an opportunity to meet someone new, who may possibly be cool and you will feel flattered at the offer and she'll feel flattered that you accepted. It's win win.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 14

FOR BOYS ONLY

STOP BEING A WIMP - There is a fine line between being sensitive and being a pussy. The former is attractive, the latter makes our vagina dry.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER ANYMORE, BREAK UP WITH HER IN A KIND, HONEST MANNER - Don't just act like an asshole until she is forced to do the deed. You may think you are being clever but men have been up to this trick for ages. It's unbelievably predictable.

BE CAREFUL ABOUT BEING A CREEP - I know you fellas have a hard time of this, because the most innocent of gestures can be palmed off as creepy by some frigid bitches, but then there are the obvious creep-o-rama actions, such as: constant and blatant staring at our tits, any talk of sex after you have only known us for 5 minutes, asking us what colour our underwear is (or if we are wearing any), asking us to send dirty photos. Fuck off to Creepville.

USE YOUR FINGERS - The tongue is hardly ever enough.

STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW CLOSE YOU ARE WITH YOUR MOTHER - It's weird and it makes you slightly unfuckable.

BUY US A DRINK - This shit never gets old.

FUR COATS ARE NOT JUST FOR THE LADIES - If you think you could rep it right, then do it.

love u x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 13

FOR BOYS ONLY

IF A GIRL MESSAGES AND CALLS YOU INCESSANTLY IT'S BECAUSE SHE HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS - Sometimes it would seem that she may be obsessed, and often it is, but it's also out of boredom or because you said you would call, then you didn't so she feels rejected and is searching to nurture her bruised self esteem. So don't flatter yourself and think it's all about you. Girl may just be going through some personal issues or some shit.

IT'S COMMON COURTESY TO WALK A GIRL TO THE DOOR WHEN SHE IS LEAVING YOUR RESIDENCE - You know who you are.

WE WON'T JUDGE YOU IF YOU ENJOY WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY - We won't even tell anyone if you don't want us to.

DON'T REQUEST DIRTY PHOTOS - If she wants to do it, she'll do it of her own accord. But if she reads this blog, then she probs won't, 'cause I'm always advising my girls not to. It's never a good idea really. Wouldn't you rather be sticking it in the real thing than having a little wank over a pixelated photo on your crappy Nokia?

IF SHE HAS SEX WITH YOU ON THE FIRST DATE, IT DOES NOT MAKE HER A WHORE - ffs. It's 2010. Aren't we done with these old school rules? Ladies have needs too you know. If the moment feels right, and you're attracted to one another, and she decides to throw caution to the wind, DON'T get up on your holier than though pedestal and write her off as some kinda floozy.

SOME SAY THE EYES ARE THE WINDOWS TO A PERSONS SOUL - I say it's shoes. Bad shoes show poor judgment. How could you possibly think fake reptile, pointy toes, white slip on shoes are good? Sort your life out.

DON'T LET YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND RING YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND - What kind of pussy little boy allows that? I've seen it time and time again. The ex gets a message FROM YOUR PHONE I might add, asking the ex to stay away blah blah. It is just so pathetic. a) It makes it look like your new relationship is about as tight as Lindsay Lohans vagina; and b) it makes YOU look like a pansy. Grow some. And keep yO woman in line.

Here are some alternative shoe suggestions honey x