Monday, December 28, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE DILDO

We're on the brink of another new year. I realise that it's a cliche, but I love new beginnings. Like starting diets on Mondays, or having a month off from shagging randoms definitely helps the process of attempting to be disciplined...let's be honest. Also, everyone kinda expects you to be a bit different in the new won't be that obvious because everyone is feeling festive i.e. drunk. So let's embrace the opportunity to turn over a new leaf (I never quite got that saying...who the fuck goes around turning over leaves?!) Anyhow, I'm pretty sure you have your own resolutions, but I'll give you a bit of inspiration - it's what I'm good at. (and yes, that's me in the picture)

LET'S START WITH MAKING SURE THE OPPOSITE SEX TREATS US BETTER - The thing is, you get the kind of respect that YOU think you deserve. Give a dude the impression you will definitely be treating his pants like a goodie bag on your first encounter will (unfortunately) make you look like a tramp and you will be treated as such. Yes yes yes, it DOES suck that they get to go around getting more ass than a toilet, but I think that even that is changing these days...not many ladies are interested in the local man whore. But if you are keen for a bit of no-strings-nookie (in my experience, there is no such thing...but anyway) then do it with someone who is not in your immediate social circle and make sure that he doesn't have a girlfriend. But remember there are always strings. ALWAYS.

HEALTHY EATING AND LOSING THE 2009 FLAB - Ah yes, the old faithful new years resolution diet. I know it well. First thing I did on boxing day was throw out anything in my fridge and cupboards that could make me fat and loaded up on fruit, veg, chicken, nuts and all those boring things. The thing is, I have tried all the faddy diets...the drugs (both legal and illegal), the milkshakes, the soups, the Special K, blah blah blah and it's all fucking bullshit because it can't last forever...and you just end up looking like a baby whale again. A complete lifestyle makeover needs to take place. You actually need to say to yourself, 'If I put this in my mouth, it is going to make me unhappy'. As Kate Moss has now famously said, 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'.

OPEN YOURSELF UP TO A FEW NEW EXPERIENCES - No, I don't mean double penetration...well, if you really want to then do it, but I'm not encouraging it. I mean listening to new music, going to see the kind of movie you wouldn't usually be interested in, tasting avocado if you swear you have always hated the stuff (you might not anymore), give that guy your number even if you aren't that keen...who knows?

REARRANGE YOUR HOUSE/ROOM - It's good for you and it believe me, it makes all the changes in your life feel like they are actually happening because you are doing something tangible.

IF YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO THE WIND, YOU CAN'T EXPECT IT NOT TO TELL THE TREE'S - Try to keep your cards pretty close to your chest going forward. If you're like me, then you like to think out loud so use that thing above your neck before your big gaping mouth. I like to bounce my ideas off people and gauge their reaction...but this only works with people who have your best interests at heart....which brings me to....

ONLY SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU AND DON'T DRAIN THE MOTHER FUCKING LIFE OUT OF YA - And those peeps that are best for you, won't necessarily tell you the things that you want to hear. Remember that.

SORT OUT YOUR FINANCES AND PLAN A MID YEAR GOAL - Mine is that I'm going to bloody GLASTONBURY festival (fuck yeah) and seeing all my English mates I haven't seen in 3 years in June. It doesn't have to be THAT rad, but it will give you a sense of accomplishment. Even if it's paying off a debt, buying that ridiculously extravagant pair of heels (extravagant = necessary) or dumping your low life boyfriend...just aim for something. The goal posts may change, and that doesn't matter, just keep them on your visible horizon.

Basically, it's time to sort our bloody lives out. Whatever made you unhappy in 2009 just leave it there where it belongs and here's to the future. If it hasn't made it into your life in the present it never made it for a bloody good reason.

I love you (I really do) and happy mother fucking owly new year! x


Alli said...

Thanks for all the fabulous advice! I shall be eating healthily, exercising, re-arranging my room/house and maybe, just maybe I'll try something new!

aDeLiNe said...

Happy mother fucking owly new year!
Love ya!

motel said...

happy new year ^_^ lots of love xxx

Robin said...

Happy New Year! This is probably the best start-of-the-year advice I've seen out there, thanks :)

chupajones said...

your post actually made me feel pretty damn good...thx....greetings from switzerland