Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-dix

OH THE TANGLED LIES WE WEAVE THAT WE ARE NAIVE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE - Sometimes...no actually MOST times we are indecisive so when we think we have made up our mind the need to over articulate and speak about it becomes unbearable. Almost as though talking ourselves into it in public will provide us with a witness which then sets the bullshit in stone which will hopefully force us to stick to our guns. The other reason could be our quest for validation that we have in fact made the right choice. Ever noticed how when you know its the right decision that no further discussion is required and you don't need any assistance in helping you sleep at night? Wake up and smell the Nescafe Blend babe.

WE ALL COME WITH AN EX - Unless you are dating a 14 year old, your current squeeze most likely has an ex. Sometimes you might bump into them. Sometimes they might rear their head on a facebook feed. Sometimes they might send a text. Don't freak out about it and look like a fucking psycho. See? You just made me use the word I hate, but you are a frikkin psycho if you lose your shit over your boyfriend/girlfriends saying hi to an ex if they happen to be around.  Just like opinions and assholes...we all have an ex. Hell, your ex's new shag probably hates your guts as well! Let's just all agree to acknowledge that whomever we are dating at present once had a life before you and that it is all water under the bridge. (and that we all still have a sneaky wank over them from time to time)

OLIVE OIL IS GREAT FOR REMOVING EYE MAKE UP - No seriously, I was amazed at how well it works. A bit on a cotton wool pad and BAM! the dirt is gone. The oil is moisturising round your peepers as well. Double win.

BACK HANDED COMPLIMENTS - 'Oh that would look really good on you, but I wouldn't be seen dead it it' Yeah. Great. Thanks for that. Man, it's totally fine to acknowledge something is dope even though it's not really your thang.  I never understand when indie chicks are all like , 'EWWW' over David Beckham and 'SCHWING!' over Pete Doherty. Yeah sure, whatever floats your boat, but David Beckham is a looker whether you admit it or not. One can acknowledge something is decent without having to enjoy it. A bit like heavy Metal for me.

USE NATURAL YOGURT INSTEAD OF CREAM - If you wanna drop a few kay geez but still like you some pasta, use yogurt as a base to the sauce instead of cream. Don't add it to heat though, just stir it through the tomato paste or pesto. It's way kinder to dem thighs girl.  Be sensible. If you feel fat and are unhappy with the way you look, then do something about it. Just stop fucking moaning about it to your friends because they actually hate you for it. And you know they do so just stop it OK?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-huit

DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ROOM MATE - It never ever ever works out.  It is awkward and you will feel weird afterwards.  If there is sexual tension...well, its the tension that is making things work.  The minute you bang each other, the tension is gone and there is nothing left to thrive on except awkwardness.  Plus the sex is never that good, and you feel like you do after your New Years Eve party...underwhelmed.

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STILL EATING WHITE BREAD OVER BROWN? - At LEAST get the seeded white.  Eating white bread is the equivalent to eating candy floss i.e nutritional value is zero.  Turkish bread and sour dough is another matter, I'm not talking about that. It's the plastic, pre-sliced fuck show that I speak of.  Sort it out love, if not for yourself then do it for your colon for fucks sake.

HAVE SEX IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR CAR - It's so retro!  And the whole steamy window thing is pretty hot.  Just don't get jizz on the upholstery, that stuff sticks like wallpaper paste. Flatten the front seats as well...be clever about it.

KEEP YOUR KICKS FRESH - You can be wearing $200 dollar jeans, have your hair done, nails did, but if your shoes look like two rottweilers had a fight over them and then when they were done pissed all over them you will just look like an um, dogs dinner. 

TOSS HIS SALAD - If fella is clean and enjoys good hygiene then I don't see what the problem is with licking his asshole.  Jus sayin.

TATTOOS TATTOOS TATTOOS - Whatever. They're cool...just chew on it for a bit yeah?  Your choice says alot about you.

WHEN YOU START A SENTENCE WITH 'I LOVE (insert name) BUT...' - It is still gossip.  You just do it to feel less guilty. *sigh* but we all do it innit?

Me love you long time x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-six

SOMETIMES, LIKE EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU - I know it sometimes seems that everything in your life is in the toilet and that everyone else around you looks like their life is sparkly and full of rainbows...nah ah sister, why don't you ask someone how THEY are doing for a change?   Sometimes when you are whinging and whining, I can almost guarantee that your mate is listening to you and thinking, 'Look love, could you kindly fuck off I am in the middle of booking an abortion here' ... We don't always know what somebody else may be going through is all I'm saying.

CLEAN YOUR DILDO/VIBRATOR - I didn't want to use the word 'crusty' but...you've left me no other option.  Please ladies, look after your hot box.

STOP ASKING IF YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ONLY WEIGH 50KG - Its annoying to those of us who weigh a little more and it also makes people want to rugby tackle you to the ground, and force feed you mars bars.  Work on that insecurity honey.

IF YOU USED TO BE THIN AND YOU PUT ON A BIT OF WEIGHT, THEN YOU CAN'T DRESS LIKE HOW YOU USED TO WHEN YOU WERE THIN - And when I say a bit of weight, I mean like 10kg.  Often I see girls who look bigger than what they actually are because they dress wrong, then the truly curvy girls look banging because they dress accordingly.  Plus, you know yourself if you have put on some weight...don't act surprised.

BOYS HATE IT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT OUR PERIOD - It's blood coming out of our vagina's...can you fucking blame them?  Come on ladies! Some decorum if you please tsk tsk

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR OWN VAGINA ... then how can you expect him to eat at Restaurant De la Pussy?

Keep it clean x

Sorry about all the talk of period and vagina's.  It's been one of those weeks x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-trois

TRY AND GIVE TO SOME SORT OF CHARITY - However small. But research your charities because there alot of sharks out there. You may think your $$$ are going to an Ethiopian orphan named Ben but it may be going to line the pockets of some fuck wit with no soul.

IF YOU ARE GOING FOR THE ROCKABILLY, 1950 PIN UP LOOK, THEN DON'T SKIMP ON THE GROOMING - The 50's were all about grooming. Yeah so you have a sleeve tattoo, wear a red bandanna and smear red lippie across your face - but your greasy hair, crumpled clothes and ill fitting underwear make you look more tramp than vamp.

GO EASY ON LEARNER DRIVERS - If there ever was a 'FML' situation, it's being a learner driver. Seriously. Give them a break. Yeah, they really want to piss you off when they are petrified at an intersection and aren't sure whether to go or not, so by hooting at them and getting all road rage about it, is exactly the kind of reaction they love. You were there too once.

RED BULL IS NOT BREAKFAST - Don't do it to yourself.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND DOESN'T TELL ALL GIRLS WHO COME ON TO HIM TO 'FUCK OFF' DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU - It just means he is a nice guy. Talking to them politely and having a chat is fine! Swopping digits and putting his hand up her skirt is not. You know deep down if he is a douche bag, so get rid of him if you know he is. Otherwise, don't stand next to him like a bloody bodyguard.

ANYTHING ON THE MENU THAT HAS CREAM IN IT OR IS DESCRIBED AS 'CREAMY' WILL MAKE YOU A LARD ASS - A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

psssst....Obnoxious Owl party on the 27th Feb...pencil it in xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente

IF YOU OPEN A PACKET OF TIM TAM'S, THE TEMPTATION TO EAT THE ENTIRE THING IS FAR TOO HIGH - Therefore, just don't purchase the fuckers.

DON'T PRETEND TO BE ILL OR DRUNK JUST TO GET ATTENTION FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND - It looks beyond desperate and pathetic. If you are feeling attention starved, maybe assess your expectations or dump the bozo. Either way, the whole damsel in distress thing is just not cricket.

NOTHING CURES A HANGOVER LIKE A SWIM IN THE OCEAN - And I do mean NOTHING.

WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING AROUND TAGGING PEEPS ON FACEBOOK, MAKE SURE IT'S FLATTERING - This should be made fucking compulsory internet etiquette. Because I'm telling ya, that shit has karma.

SHAVE YOUR LEGS (NOT IN FRONT OF HIM) - Seriously bitches, they like us warm, tight and SMOOTH. Don't be retarded and get out the razor.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET INVOLVED WITH THE BITCHING TO MAKE FRIENDS - In fact, you'll probs find you make better friends without a tongue that lashes fire. And really, if you are over the age of 25 you have no business talking shit about kids. Grow the fuck up.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WEARING BRIGHT YELLOW KICKS - Don't be afraid of the daring. Be inspired.

Email me with your Q's at obnoxiousowl@gmail.com. Inspire me x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE DILDO

We're on the brink of another new year. I realise that it's a cliche, but I love new beginnings. Like starting diets on Mondays, or having a month off from shagging randoms etc...it definitely helps the process of attempting to be disciplined...let's be honest. Also, everyone kinda expects you to be a bit different in the new year...it won't be that obvious because everyone is feeling festive i.e. drunk. So let's embrace the opportunity to turn over a new leaf (I never quite got that saying...who the fuck goes around turning over leaves?!) Anyhow, I'm pretty sure you have your own resolutions, but I'll give you a bit of inspiration - it's what I'm good at. (and yes, that's me in the picture)

LET'S START WITH MAKING SURE THE OPPOSITE SEX TREATS US BETTER - The thing is, you get the kind of respect that YOU think you deserve. Give a dude the impression you will definitely be treating his pants like a goodie bag on your first encounter will (unfortunately) make you look like a tramp and you will be treated as such. Yes yes yes, it DOES suck that they get to go around getting more ass than a toilet, but I think that even that is changing these days...not many ladies are interested in the local man whore. But if you are keen for a bit of no-strings-nookie (in my experience, there is no such thing...but anyway) then do it with someone who is not in your immediate social circle and make sure that he doesn't have a girlfriend. But remember there are always strings. ALWAYS.

HEALTHY EATING AND LOSING THE 2009 FLAB - Ah yes, the old faithful new years resolution diet. I know it well. First thing I did on boxing day was throw out anything in my fridge and cupboards that could make me fat and loaded up on fruit, veg, chicken, nuts and all those boring things. The thing is, I have tried all the faddy diets...the drugs (both legal and illegal), the milkshakes, the soups, the Special K, blah blah blah and it's all fucking bullshit because it can't last forever...and you just end up looking like a baby whale again. A complete lifestyle makeover needs to take place. You actually need to say to yourself, 'If I put this in my mouth, it is going to make me unhappy'. As Kate Moss has now famously said, 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'.

OPEN YOURSELF UP TO A FEW NEW EXPERIENCES - No, I don't mean double penetration...well, if you really want to then do it, but I'm not encouraging it. I mean listening to new music, going to see the kind of movie you wouldn't usually be interested in, tasting avocado if you swear you have always hated the stuff (you might not anymore), give that guy your number even if you aren't that keen...who knows?

REARRANGE YOUR HOUSE/ROOM - It's good for you and it believe me, it makes all the changes in your life feel like they are actually happening because you are doing something tangible.

IF YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO THE WIND, YOU CAN'T EXPECT IT NOT TO TELL THE TREE'S - Try to keep your cards pretty close to your chest going forward. If you're like me, then you like to think out loud so use that thing above your neck before your big gaping mouth. I like to bounce my ideas off people and gauge their reaction...but this only works with people who have your best interests at heart....which brings me to....

ONLY SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU AND DON'T DRAIN THE MOTHER FUCKING LIFE OUT OF YA - And those peeps that are best for you, won't necessarily tell you the things that you want to hear. Remember that.

SORT OUT YOUR FINANCES AND PLAN A MID YEAR GOAL - Mine is that I'm going to bloody GLASTONBURY festival (fuck yeah) and seeing all my English mates I haven't seen in 3 years in June. It doesn't have to be THAT rad, but it will give you a sense of accomplishment. Even if it's paying off a debt, buying that ridiculously extravagant pair of heels (extravagant = necessary) or dumping your low life boyfriend...just aim for something. The goal posts may change, and that doesn't matter, just keep them on your visible horizon.

Basically, it's time to sort our bloody lives out. Whatever made you unhappy in 2009 just leave it there where it belongs and here's to the future. If it hasn't made it into your life in the present it never made it for a bloody good reason.

I love you (I really do) and happy mother fucking owly new year! x