Monday, September 6, 2010

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: The stuff that makes you 'that guy' at a party

We've all been to a party where there has been that 'non-chiller' who just throws the spanner in the works. Or vomits on the carpet.  Don't be that guy.

LEAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING iPOD ALONE - If it ain't your party, you don't get to just get up and change the tunes, ESPECIALLY if you are just an extension of someone else who was actually invited to said soiree...then it's just plain rude.  Plus, 'that guy' who always takes it upon himself to be 'DJ Extrodinaire' just fucks with the vibe and there is nothing worse than having a song nuked right in the middle followed by hearing 2.5 seconds of the beginning of each song until he finds his desired track.  And whats that?  You brought your own ipod? Congratulations! Now fuck off.

BYO - Don't be a cheap cunt.

DON'T START FIGHTS - It's just really irritating. You don't even look that rad and sexy because you're so drunk!  There is no Brad Pitt outta 'Fightclub' happening up in's more Hugh Grant outta 'Bridget Jones Diary'. Plus this one time, this dude got into a fight right next to me on the d-floor and beer got spilt all over my white fur coat (not real...calm down you bloody tree huggers).   Peace and love at a party people.  Peace and motherfucking love.

DO NOT FEEL UP THE VERY DRUNK AND VERY PASSED OUT GIRL - Look dude. I know a man's gotta eat and all, but can you say 'date rape'?  Consent is pretty standard 21st century protocol with regards to sex.  No response means NO or she's dead.  Either way, it ain't cool.

DON'T BE THE DRUNK GIRL - There is merrily tipsy or even raging drunk, but then there is 'Im just gonna pass out in a pool of Cabonara Fettucini that I threw up earlier and hope to God that seedy dodgeball fella rubbing his crotch over there doesn't rape me'

STILL ON THE SUBJECT OF SEX ... - Please don't fuck in one of the bedrooms on someone else's bed without permission.  I would seriously hunt down your mother and hold her at gunpoint until you clean your happy juice outta my 3000 count Egyptian cotton sheets if you did that in my bed hey...

AND DON'T BE NICKING STUFF OR GOING IN PEOPLES WARDROBES EITHER! - At a particular party in London a few months back, some random walked past the house and just came into the party off the street.  Made his way up the stairs and started trying on some dudes jacket...I'm sure he didn't want to steal it, I think he was just admiring his defense.  Anyway, he was found and thrown out...I think there was a throwing of a ladle involved?  I'm not sure.  Turns out that old mate party crasher is a famous musician and he is playing at Parklife this Spring. Not mentioning names ...*cough*Wolfgang*cough* - there goes VIP. *sigh*

DON'T POO IN THE BATH - Or piss in the sink.

IF YOU BRING RANDOMS, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM - Imma tell you a story.  So I was at this particularly wild party...and lets just say a beginner was getting involved in a little bit of party favor action and pretty much passed out with her eyes rolling in her head, mouth hanging open...the works.  So her 'friend' came over and helped her up (we had to tear her away from talking to some dude) and lent her against the WASHING LINE while she went inside to get her some water.  Not against the wall, not even on a chair but literally hanging. over. a. fucking. washing line.  Home girl looked so pitiful I nearly cried.  So yeah, if your mates are wasted, be a friend and put them under your wing...they don't know anyone else there but you.  And if your friend tries to shag the drunk girl, takes hostage of the tunes, punches the host or poo's in the bath - it means that he/she is a prize asshole and could you please remove him/her like the gangrenous limb that they are.

KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE - Nobody likes the clinger on.  Thing is, most people are keen to meet new one's ... well, my lot do anyway...but most people like to be left with their immediate group of friends in the early hours and reflect on the night and pull out the secret stashes.  There is the time of the party when the last beer has been drunk, the last sausage roll has been eaten and old mate is cleaning his poo out the bath...this is the time to leave.

We all like a good knees up, so just keep it chill and be the life and soul...not the pooper...alright mate? x


Nancy Magoo said...

I'm so that music nazi jerk. I realised this a while ago, but my brain won't co-operate.

Ruby Velour said...


Obnoxious Owl said...

Don't we all! x

Vassmoney said...

I would never want to be that guy, but if I'm drunk and Chronic 2001 isn't being played in its entirety, I feel the need to step in.