I feel like a moron for throwing a little tantrum over losing my blog for a week.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part seize

AVOID V.P.L - Visible. Panty. Line. If you can't handle a g-string then go without knickers rather than having this unsightly ridge around your bottom. The V.P.L does the same to an otherwise fabulous outfit what guys doing baby talk does to sex...'STOP! You're ruining it!'

SO, YOU'VE BROKEN UP BUT YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU STILL FREQUENT THE SAME PLACES - Yeah. Fucking. Right. Nobody, including you, really thinks you are going to your old favourite Mexican restaurant on a Tuesday night for nachos. You are sooooo trying to run into him! Strike up a relationship with some new places to go. Much like your ex, those restaurants/pubs/coffee shops/clubs aren't the only place to go in town and somewhere else is bound to have better nachos. BREAK UPS GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE YOUR LIFE A MAKE OVER. So lets start with where you like to go for your Mexican fix.

THERE IS NO PERFUME LIKE CHANEL PERFUME - Celebrity fragrances are basically sugar water with some rose petals thrown into it. Much like the ones we used to make as a child. Although there may be a few exceptions...Gwen Stefani maybe, and possibly Kate Moss...possibly. But do we really want to wearing what Avril Lavigne deems cool? Let's not be silly now.

VINTAGE AND SECOND HAND CLOTHING IS JUST WONDERFUL - But would you mind washing the stuff before wearing it please? As the saying goes, 'You don't know where it's been'.

PEOPLES RELIGIOUS BELIEFS SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE - The amount of Atheists that bang on about the um...big bang theory are just as grating as those from the God Squad that speak Christianese all day long. We all have a theory, just like we all have ass holes.

IF YOU ARE A SMOKER AND YOU ENJOY A COFFEE, YOU MIGHT NEED TO STEP UP ON THE 'OL DENTAL HYGIENE - Yeah, I'm sure that morning fag and cup of java goes down real well. But your breath afterwards goes down like a dead rat. Keep some chewy in your pocket to disguise your sewer of a breath with some minty freshness.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK AGAIN ABOUT PUTTING 'SEXY_KITTEN_SUGARLIPS_4U@HOTMAIL.COM ON YOUR RESUME - Yup we all have a dodgy email address we made when we were 12 but it's time to grow up now sugar. Make a new account! It's free for Gods sake! As a manager in a company, I cringe inside when I receive such resumes. It shows a lack of attention to detail and makes you look a little lame. I'm just saying.

I mean it with love x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix

BE CAREFUL OF HOW YOU ARE PORTRAYED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB - So let's get this straight. Your by line on your Myspace page says, 'HI-LIFE,RIDE-LIFE,RICH-LIFE,BITCH-LIFE [[fuck the pretenders, EARN RESPECT]]' next to a photo of you dressed in your knickers taken by yourself in the mirror of mummy and daddy's en suite bathroom? Do you understand the word 'I.R.O.N.I.C' - or do I have to explain it to you? Yup, thought so. The irony of this little situation is that you want to be respected yet you are acting like an online slut bag. Clear enough for ya? I have seen many a profile of individuals which give the illusion (and believe me, it IS an illusion) of being this independent, creative and sexual being, yet in real life I know them to be quiet as a mouse, still living at home and are just your bog standard wall flower. Instead of figuring out html code, building your account on photobucket and taking angle shots of your boobies go out and get a life. And if you absolutely must take those photos of you in the mirror, make sure you've cleaned it after squeezing your spots.

DO NOT BE SCARED TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON YOUR OWN - I swear there is something liberating about it. It's like you are just having a moment with the story and yourself. Don't tell anybody you are going, switch your phone off and forget about everything for 2 hours. No one in the entire world will know where you are or what you are doing for those few hours. There is a certain dignity to it.

DON'T SEND NAUGHTY PHOTOS OF YOURSELF OR VIDEO'S - These things have the habit of biting you in the ass. OF COURSE the dude is going to show his friends, why the hell wouldn't he? What makes you so special? If he is asking for them, trust me, he has bad intentions. Just don't do it.

FIND YOUR SIGNATURE SCENT - People never forget a smell.

GET A PAP SMEAR, HAVE YOUR BOOBS CHECKED FOR WEIRD LUMPS AND IF YOU MESS AROUND WITH A BOY - GET AN HIV TEST - Welcome to the 21st century sweetie. You just sound stupid when you say you are creeped out by having your nether regions checked. This little thing we have called life is fragile. Sometimes when you are feeling really sad you may feel like dying, but if you're being honest, you love being alive and you love everyone around you (most of the time). Choose life and be healthy honey bun x

DON'T MAKE PEOPLE TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES WHEN THEY VISIT YOU - Who the flying frikkin fudge do you think you are exactly?! Do you not own a vacuum cleaner? Do you think you live in Buckingham Palace or something? Some people might have weird feet and might not want you to see them, and now you have just made your guest feel all uncomfortable and stuff. (NOTE: I do not have weird feet! It's just a 'for instance'). It is possibly THE most pretentious thing to ask of someone, and if you ask me I wont do it. I just wont.

Be happy x