Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-dix-huit

BOOK A DENTIST APPOINTMENT - Once a year is enough. Yeah I know it's expensive but private health is surprisingly affordable so sort it out.  Getting old is hard on the body so preserve what you can and look after the teeth in your head!

SAVE - Even if it's twenty bucks a week...and don't touch it. You know whats worse than having cavity's in your teeth? Not being able to afford to pay to get them fixed. Be prepared for rainy days Owlies. If life was that much of a smooth sail then these advice posts wouldn't be so fucking popular INNIT.

DON'T PUT UP WITH A SHIT BOSS. - Guess what?  If you are lucky enough to live in the first world then you don't have to put up with a boss that takes the piss. That said, you can't be a slacker either...reap what you sow and all that jazz. You spend 80% of your life at work, you should not hate it. Be strategic about it, write down what you love then write down what you hate. Look at the things that you hate and objectively think about what you could do to change it. If it all falls down to 'your boss is an asshole' well then. You've gotta put your decision cap on don't you babe?

THE ONLY TIME YOUR WEE SHOULD BE BRIGHT YELLOW IS WHEN IT'S THE FIRST ONE OF THE DAY. - Drink more water.

STOP GOING ON ABOUT WHAT YOU 'DON'T' DO/HAVE/BELIEVE IN. - Great, you don't have facebook or twitter. Woopee doo for you. Great, you don't even OWN a television. Awesome. Happy for you. What? Really? You don't believe in God?! What an alternative thought.  *sigh*

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 30 (how appropriate seeing as that is my lucky number in 2 weeks!)

FOR BOYS ONLY

AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE' - In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you're sad and laughs at all your lame ass jokes? However you can't help but wonder if maybe there might be someone better? Guess what sunshine, there ain't. 

MINI LESSON ON WHAT'S A CLIT KILLER: Getting involved in girl beef (not curtains, just general daily gossip and stupid shit).  Over using emoticons. A filthy bedroom. Dirty fingernails. Over using social media with blatant contrived statements you thought of earlier that day and have been waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it on your followers. No job and no desire to even get a job. Homophobia. Lying on your back with your hands behind your head whilst gesturing at your hard dick with your eyes and saying, 'Go mad'.

 'BED SHEETS' HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE THINGS THAT GIRLS LOOK AT - I know what you think I'm gonna say...'no Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle sheets' - you did think that hey? NO. That's fine. Although, they seldom make those kids covers for anything bigger than a single bed so....what the fuck dude? We look at CLEANLINESS and how threadbare the bloody duvets are. Also for girls underwear, used tissues under the pillow and those tell tale white marks. Sort it out love.

WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON HEAD GAMES? - Yeah I know chicks do it too, but you guys are WAY worse. I truly believe it's because you are so scared of confrontation that you would rather us read your actions or between the lines of you not texting/calling/skyping back so we ironically 'get the message'. Grow some yeah?

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS ALSO - You guys apply logic towards emotion which makes you come across as insensitive. Women apply emotion to logic which makes them come across dramatic. We don't know why we all do the things we do and life is all about figuring that out in my opinion. But in the meantime, let's just get naked and laugh about it.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 23

FOR BOYS ONLY

CLEAN YOUR FINGERNAILS -  Else there ain't NO WAY those bad boys are getting into any of our crevices.  What if you have a bit of happy juice underneath them from when you last performed the Jedi Hand Trick and you give us herpes?  Not to mention the possibility of chicken grease and various other food like residues.  A bit of Dettol hand wash goes a long way my lovelies.

YOU ARE NOT A 'FAG' IF YOU WEAR SKINNY JEANS - WHY are some of you acting like they have just come into fashion or something?  Aren't we over it now? They're here. They're queer. Get used to it.

DON'T PULL THAT HORRIFIED FACE WHEN WE GO TO KISS YOU AFTER A BLOWJOB - What are you scared of?  It's your own penis!  You scratch your balls all day long, and by the look of your fingernails, I KNOW you ain't be washing yo hands before you eat your sushi. And by sushi, I mean salmon NOT twat.

SEND FLOWERS - Chicks who say they hate receiving flowers are tryna be all 'new age' and anti old school romance in order to impress you.  What they don't realise is that so many of you are slightly clueless and if they start bashing at the classics then they gonna get nothing.  Roses are always good, white or pink.  Personally I'm a tulip girl.  In case you were wondering.

EAT PUSSY - Use your fingers.  Whip that tongue back and forth. Nibble. Suck. Softly tap with your fingers. Make her cum in your mouth. Spit it back at her. Put that finger in deeper. Tell her how pretty her pussy is. I swear to God she will declare you king of her world.  Don't wanna give head? Well then you better make your way to the florist quick smart son.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-huit

DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ROOM MATE - It never ever ever works out.  It is awkward and you will feel weird afterwards.  If there is sexual tension...well, its the tension that is making things work.  The minute you bang each other, the tension is gone and there is nothing left to thrive on except awkwardness.  Plus the sex is never that good, and you feel like you do after your New Years Eve party...underwhelmed.

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STILL EATING WHITE BREAD OVER BROWN? - At LEAST get the seeded white.  Eating white bread is the equivalent to eating candy floss i.e nutritional value is zero.  Turkish bread and sour dough is another matter, I'm not talking about that. It's the plastic, pre-sliced fuck show that I speak of.  Sort it out love, if not for yourself then do it for your colon for fucks sake.

HAVE SEX IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR CAR - It's so retro!  And the whole steamy window thing is pretty hot.  Just don't get jizz on the upholstery, that stuff sticks like wallpaper paste. Flatten the front seats as well...be clever about it.

KEEP YOUR KICKS FRESH - You can be wearing $200 dollar jeans, have your hair done, nails did, but if your shoes look like two rottweilers had a fight over them and then when they were done pissed all over them you will just look like an um, dogs dinner. 

TOSS HIS SALAD - If fella is clean and enjoys good hygiene then I don't see what the problem is with licking his asshole.  Jus sayin.

TATTOOS TATTOOS TATTOOS - Whatever. They're cool...just chew on it for a bit yeah?  Your choice says alot about you.

WHEN YOU START A SENTENCE WITH 'I LOVE (insert name) BUT...' - It is still gossip.  You just do it to feel less guilty. *sigh* but we all do it innit?

Me love you long time x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-sept

IF YOU THINK YOU DON'T LIKE A KIND OF FOOD, YOU PROBABLY ACTUALLY DO - Like I used to think I hated curry, then I had it for the first time tonight and it was like the world cup in my mouth. Pretty wonderful. Except I defs know that I hate olives. And cucumber can get fucked as well.

ALWAYS CARRY WET WIPES - For in case of cleaning your hands/wiping away streaky eyeliner/stains/in case someone wants to go down on you...you just never know.

OR YOU COULD USE ONE TO WIPE THAT JUDGEMENTAL LOOK OFF YOUR FACE - Oh so your friend does drugs/slept with a married man/keeps going back to the same dude that is bad for her/likes to wear Ed Hardy or worse...beige...who the hell do you think you are to pass judgement? Oh sozz, I forgot you breeze through life making all the best decisions. Silly me.

GET A PAP SMEAR - Stop being a bloody girl about it, and get that shit checked out. If you have a revolving man door for a vagina...get it checked. If you smell or see something slightly weird...get it checked. Even if it's perfectly pink and normal...get it checked. Once a year. Every year.

IF HE ONLY EVER WANTS TO 'SEXT' YOU INSTEAD OF DOING IT FOR REAL IT MEANS HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY LIKE YOU - He just wants the sexy words while he imagines Kate Moss is sending them or something.

DEVELOP A HIGHER OPINION OF YOURSELF - This will keep the douche bag boys at bay, stop you from feeling social anxiety at wanky art shows/nightclubs/parties and everything in general will just become so much better. You will be able to not care if the guy you are into doesn't message you, plus you will be happier because you will be able to easily forget anybody who doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. How do you do this you ask? Fucked if I know.

Image by: Miss Van

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-six

BEWARE OF TOOTHPICKS - They get the irrit bits of animal flesh out of the gaps between your molars, but they fuck up your gums.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S OLD, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S 'VINTAGE' - Or cool for that matter.

PLEASE DON'T BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT HIS MAN JUICE - It's SEX which means it gets MESSY and it's all part of the fun. Just take it on your chest like a real woman and shower afterwards. And no matter if he misses, those 4million count Egyptian cotton sheets go alright in the wash.

NOT ALL SOUTH AFRICANS ARE RACIST - Just like not all Australians have bad accents, not all Americans are ignorant, not all of the English have bad teeth, not all Germans visit brothels when travelling, not all Chinese people eat dogs and cats and only a few Canadians talk funny.

OLIVES AND CUCUMBER ARE THE DEVILS FOOD - And they may kill you. Plus I can't be your friend if you indulge in such filth.

STRETCH SATIN IS NOT YOUR FRIEND - It never was.

BLONDE'S! PLEASE WEAR LEOPARD PRINT WITH CARE - You don't wanna look like a bar maid at the Queen Vic.

JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE YOUR PHOTO BLACK AND WHITE ... - Does mean you are arty. Same goes for turning them into polaroids.

DO NOT POSE IN NUDE SHOTS FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND OF 3 MONTHS - It will all end in tears.

DON'T JUST LAY THERE - Push your boobies together and scream like you mean it.

WHEN HE SAY'S THAT HE HAS 'JUST BEEN BUSY' - It means you aren't on his mind and you should totes forget about him and delete his number. No exceptions.

Hmm a bit random this one. I just type as I think x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix

BE CAREFUL OF HOW YOU ARE PORTRAYED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB - So let's get this straight. Your by line on your Myspace page says, 'HI-LIFE,RIDE-LIFE,RICH-LIFE,BITCH-LIFE [[fuck the pretenders, EARN RESPECT]]' next to a photo of you dressed in your knickers taken by yourself in the mirror of mummy and daddy's en suite bathroom? Do you understand the word 'I.R.O.N.I.C' - or do I have to explain it to you? Yup, thought so. The irony of this little situation is that you want to be respected yet you are acting like an online slut bag. Clear enough for ya? I have seen many a profile of individuals which give the illusion (and believe me, it IS an illusion) of being this independent, creative and sexual being, yet in real life I know them to be quiet as a mouse, still living at home and are just your bog standard wall flower. Instead of figuring out html code, building your account on photobucket and taking angle shots of your boobies go out and get a life. And if you absolutely must take those photos of you in the mirror, make sure you've cleaned it after squeezing your spots.

DO NOT BE SCARED TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON YOUR OWN - I swear there is something liberating about it. It's like you are just having a moment with the story and yourself. Don't tell anybody you are going, switch your phone off and forget about everything for 2 hours. No one in the entire world will know where you are or what you are doing for those few hours. There is a certain dignity to it.

DON'T SEND NAUGHTY PHOTOS OF YOURSELF OR VIDEO'S - These things have the habit of biting you in the ass. OF COURSE the dude is going to show his friends, why the hell wouldn't he? What makes you so special? If he is asking for them, trust me, he has bad intentions. Just don't do it.

FIND YOUR SIGNATURE SCENT - People never forget a smell.

GET A PAP SMEAR, HAVE YOUR BOOBS CHECKED FOR WEIRD LUMPS AND IF YOU MESS AROUND WITH A BOY - GET AN HIV TEST - Welcome to the 21st century sweetie. You just sound stupid when you say you are creeped out by having your nether regions checked. This little thing we have called life is fragile. Sometimes when you are feeling really sad you may feel like dying, but if you're being honest, you love being alive and you love everyone around you (most of the time). Choose life and be healthy honey bun x

DON'T MAKE PEOPLE TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES WHEN THEY VISIT YOU - Who the flying frikkin fudge do you think you are exactly?! Do you not own a vacuum cleaner? Do you think you live in Buckingham Palace or something? Some people might have weird feet and might not want you to see them, and now you have just made your guest feel all uncomfortable and stuff. (NOTE: I do not have weird feet! It's just a 'for instance'). It is possibly THE most pretentious thing to ask of someone, and if you ask me I wont do it. I just wont.

Be happy x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part six

YOU LOOK SPECIAL NEEDS WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE A PUBESCENT - Serisly, ittt looks slightly retarded when you's type lik thiiisss. If yOu R )vEr the @ge of 16 & u typppe like yooou R uSiNg yourrr elbowssss *** then you arrre basicallly sayyying you havve had No eDuCaTiOn wat soooo eva **** $$% !!! muppets, I bet you're first word was lol.

REMOVE THE PRICE TAG FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR SHOES - It's all about attention to detail darlings.

DO NOT NAG YOUR MAN - Nothing grinds their gears more than a nagging female. Even the Bible tells you not to (Proverbs 1 vs 1 - 6). Also, it makes them feel like a kid and it makes you feel like an old bag...what good could possibly come from this? Ask nicely once, second time just a friendly reminder...then for the third time shag their best friend - kidding kidding...no seriously, nagging is often seen as criticism, so your boy will inevitably tune out and make what you're saying ineffective. Just acknowledge your different perspectives on whatever the subject is your nagging about. And fellas here's a hint - if you are being nagged, accept your responsibility in creating an environment that has triggered a nagging response. Geez haven't I told you before? We're not your mother.

LEARN TO GIVE DECENT HEAD - You will have him by the balls. (Further advice on this subject will require it's very own blog entry - stay tuned)

WATCH WHAT YOU THROW AWAY IN YOUR BATHROOM WASTEPAPER BIN - ESPECIALLY if you have a date coming over. That may be a red lipstick stain on that tissue but hey...just cover your ass is all I'm saying.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH CLEAVAGE - If you have them, you don't need to get them out in order for people to know you do. There is a time and a place girls. For instance, dinner with your man friends parents - not the time nor the place. Filling out a to-die-for Wheels and Doll Baby 1950's frock? - Definitely the time and place. Sometimes the attention you get from getting the mammary glands out is not really the attention we should be welcoming.

Adios - I'm off to have nachos xx