Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 27

FOR BOYS ONLY

FAIL PROOF STEEZE - Not enough of you wear well fitted jeans with plain CLEAN white t shirts. Too many of you are still wearing boxers with cartoons on them. Girls like you to be simple, fresh and clean.  Some girls like those dirty ones who haven't showered in about a week and look like they were on a heroin binge instead. Each to their own I s'pose, but I know my kind of girl, and my kind of girl ain't rollin with none of that.

DON'T BE LAZY - We do not see it as a privilege to give you a blow job for 20 minutes until our jaw feels like it does after you have been in the dentist chair for half an hour. The moaning, the eye watering, the watching of the teeth, the remembering to not forget your balls, the pretending like we love it...we do this for YOU. Then when you ask us 'if we want to sit on it' like you are doing us a favor while all the while you just get to lay there and we have to be some kind of pole dancer on a fleshy pole, it isn't really doing THAT much for us. You just look like a starfish with a hard on.

DON'T SQUEEZE SO HARD - We'll squeeze your balls as hard as you squeeze our tits. Deal?

'LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE FREE TO CATCH UP' - If you are into a girl, then this is the line of a pussy. Eurgh, just be a fucking man. Set a date. Be keen but not pushy. Be assertive but not bossy. Pull our hair but do it tenderly. Read between the lines but don't be presumptuous. We don't ask for much do we?

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO DRIVE AND AMBITION - Ever wondered why Donald Trump is macking out with a hot piece of ass on the reg? Don't even get me started on Hugh Hefner! Money you say? Sure it helps to be laying on 5000 count Egyptian cotton when his old ass is jack hammering you, but the cash is a bi product of the ultimate attraction...power. Jay Z did not nail Beyonce because of his rugged good looks 'cause homeboy ain't no oil painting, and Lord knows 'yonce don't need the money. Ms Knowles got excited in her knickers because he is a man of integrity, ambition and determination. Nice guys really do finish last, and not because you have no money, but because you suck on your bong all day watching South Park.

Im a Mother Fucking Monster - but only usually round the 17th of every month

The cheese stands alone!

Yes I'm going to the gig.  And yeeeeesss I'm excited to see Jay Z...obviously.  Isn't it cooler to say you want to see Jay Z and totally dismiss U2 all together?  Oh yeah, you're not down with the 'scene' if you don't hate Bono, Oprah, Jesus or Victoria Beckham these days.  Well guess what cunty's, I can't WAIT to get an eyeful of U2's spectacle.  Blah blah blah Bono is a smug twat blah blah etc etc, well what about old mate Chris 'I married the Queen of Beige City Gwyneth' Martin?  Don't for one second think that Coldplay are a cooler alternative.  This world is fucked. And he may wear his sunglasses inside and be a bit of a weirdo, but I can't help but feel that we would be slightly worse off without Bono and his little sing song band in it.  Don't even bother commenting this with your counter 'I hate Bono because...' I've heard it all before! Go hate someone more washed up and unnecessary like...Ozzy Osbourne.  But then not being on the bandwagon is the new bandwagon, so maybe inadvertently I am being too cool by not hopping on the 'I'm going to see Jay Z and leave before U2' bandwagon and post a video of 'I got 99 problems and U2 ain't one'. Dissect it all you like. But I think he looks kinda hot in this 1987 masterpiece.  Bite me.

Let's tune this Friday

It's been a cunt of a week. Sorry. But it has.  And it seems like it has for all those nearest and dearest to me as well.  Onwards!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-treize

STOP BEING SO DAMN AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME - Be offline sometimes.  Then when you are online, people get excited.  Have you ever noticed how you will just start chatting to someone who is online whom you never see online so you just have to grab the opportunity, mean time you actually have nothing to say?  Be the person people get excited about when they catch you online.

HAVE YOUR MONEY READY - The amount of fucktards that get their little coin purse out only when they step on the bus is insane.  Then sometimes, they go and drop the fucking thing and giggle, before making some awkward joke.  Just have your bloody change ready!!  WHY does it only occur to you that you actually have to pay once you get to the point of payment?  People like this shouldn't be allowed to breed.

DON'T SAY 'I LOVE YOU' FIRST TO A BOY - He will then have you by the proverbial fem nuts.  If he loves you too...he will say it eventually.  If he doesn't?  It's a bummer, but at least you never told him!  Every cloud...

IF YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN, A SPIDER WILL TOTALLY CLIMB INSIDE, WALK DOWN YOUR THROAT, LAY EGGS, AND BABY SPIDERS WILL CRAWL OUT YOUR ASS - Don't say that I didn't warn you.

IT'S PRETTY CUNTY TO FLIRT WITH SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND IS CRUSHING ON - Yeah that's right...cunty.

THE DAY YOU LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT MAKE UP, IS THE DAY YOU WILL MEET YOUR JAY Z - We are all Beyonce's and we deserve a Jay Z.  Someone who is strong and independent and who allows us to be strong and independent.  You are together but you are apart and you compliment each other in such a way that does not need explaining.  Moral of the story?  If ya single, you can't afford leaving the house looking average.

Put the chocolate down x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 12

FOR BOYS ONLY

YOU SHOULD BE LIKE JAY Z - And you should seek your Beyonce. Girls have game nowadays. They got money, a personality, hustling skills, imagination, most are more liberal in bed etc. Don't be intimidated. Embrace it. Become a power couple.

GIRLS DON'T MIND A MAN THAT HAS A CRY - We just mind when it's over homo things. Like if we accidentally wash your white shirt with a red sock. Or after sex. Jesus. Or if you have a 'crank' ( a cry and a wank)

WE MIGHT FAKE ORGASMS FROM TIME TO TIME - But you sadists are able to fake entire relationships! Whats worse?

DON'T SHOUT OUT HORRIBLE THINGS TO GIRLS - I think this tit bit of advo only really applies to my under 21 readers (hopefully). But I was at a God awful juvenile club on Saturday (don't ask) and a fairly attractive young whippet of a girl walked past and smiled at a dude who was standing behind me, so fuckwit screams out, "Pity you're ugly!". Now was that seriously fucking necessary? Comments like that stay with you for aaaagggggeeees. Espesh if you're female. OK, homegirl wasn't having a particularly good outfit night, I'll admit, but haven't we all? Plus old mate looked like an extra from a 1998 Boyzone video clip. So people in glass houses and all that.

TRUST YOUR GUT AND MAKE THE MOVE - If she is throwing hints your way and you think you may be interested, then ask her for her bloody number! Life's short sugar nuts, she may be the one.

USE A FUCKING CONDOM - God knows the kinda dude that has partaken in that vaginal merry-go-round before you. Sort your life out please.

DON'T BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE - (This isn't exclusive to men)

xx