Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Life admin

Ever feel like you are losing control of your life? You know there is nothing major happening yet you just don't feel like you've got a grip on things? Shit is falling through the cracks and it makes you feel mildly anxious? I feel like that all the God damn time. I am in a continuous mind set that I 'should'  be doing something and it sucks horses balls.  I find a bit of general admin puts things into perspective.

BILLS/FINES/AND OTHER $$$$ RELATED ISSUES - This is the worst of the worst 'cause it hangs over your head like the acid rain cloud that it is. Every time I put my hand in my bag to look for something I would find another hot damn parking fine that I stuffed in there before forgetting about it. Then when I think I'm on top of something another little winner of a bill rears it's life ruining head in my mailbox. WOULD THE WORLD GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE.  It's very easy to just throw money at whomever shouts loudest but you have to prioritise. Firstly, you don't want to lose your license, so you want to get onto anything that is fine related. Secondly, you don't want to live in darkness so pay yo bills. Phone and Internet should be last on the priority list if you are up to your ears in paper that ain't worth much, they are the more understanding folk when you give them a ring and ask for an extension. But for real, don't ignore money issues. They are sleepless night inducing fuck shows.

HEALTH - Go to the doctor and book that dentist appointment. Apply for private health and go to the supermarket and stock up on things that are good for you for once. Those fast food treats and booze benders always seem like they are occasional but before you know it, you are all up in an unhealthy highway and you need to pull your fucking head in. A few nights in and an early night or two won't go astray either.  Trust me, you'll feel better for it. Just please Lord don't become boring. Also, have a lot of rough, vigorous sex. Masturbate. Buy some toys. Watch porn on those nights in. Get sensual and healthy baby.

CLEAN - Clean your fridge, do your laundry, vacuum, take your car through the car wash.  Sterilize your bathroom, buy some new bed sheets and buy a new toothbrush. A scented candle wouldn't be a bad idea either. Be all Frankie magazine about it as well, and cop yourself some flowers and put them on the side of the bath. Then have a bath and shave your legs. You can have your first wine for the week now as well.

BODY AND MIND - Please girl, shave your legs and get your nails done. They don't have to be some mad manicure, just file them and keep them clean. Cover yourself in body lotion (even your boobs), and put on a face mask. Dye your hair and buy some new make up. Put the computer away for a bit, switch your phone off and watch a flick you've been meaning to watch or...*shock horror* .... read a book! Make a list of all the boys who are bad for you and cut the fuckers off.  Spring clean that little black book baby girl! Stop thinking about 'him' - you only miss 'him' because you are scared of the future. Don't be. It's gonna be the tits!

WORK - Have an early night and set your alarm a little earlier than normal. When you wake up the first thing you do after you pee is drink a full glass of water before you do anything else (a Korean beautician I used to have in London told me this years ago and I swear to God it changed my skin forever) then have a shower and do your hair and make up with the same amount of care you would for a night out. Get into work focused and pick up your favorite coffee. DO NOT SIGN INTO FACEBOOK. Fuck that shit right off...it's a time zapper. Start your working day as you mean to go on. Avoid office gossip. Avoid negative talk. Avoid moaning. Avoid cunts. You get paid to be there, you don't have to be besties with these people. Key word here: FOCUS.

DREAMS - Start putting them into action. The age old list system with a piece of paper and pen is still the best way to go about this. Make your dreams tangible. Nothing is over the top, aim high! (sorry if I sound like
Oprah) then make make some plans babe.  Also, don't tell anyone your plans. Keep your cards close to your chest, assholes wanna hate and put doubt in your mind. Don't think out loud and only speak about it when it starts to unfold.

Remember, keep it tight. Especially your vagina.

x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-sept

LET'S TALK FEMALE EMPOWERMENT FOR A SECOND... - It's all bullshit...unless you do it for the right reasons. So you've had your heart broken, so old mate has a new girlfriend, so you are flailing a little at life....that don't mean you need to be out on the piss 24/7 looking for guys and doing crazy things in the hope that an ex or a someone you have a crush on will hear about it and think 'Whoah! This girl is awesome!' WRONG. True girl power is about being the best you can be and walking the walk as well as talking. the. shit.

IF A DUDE WRITES THAT HE IS BORED AS HIS FACEBOOK STATUS IT MEANS HE IS LOOKING FOR A VAGINA WITH A WOMAN ATTACHED TO IT - John: 'I'm bored' Girl 1 likes this, Girl 2 likes this Girl 3 'Same' Girl 4 'I'm just at home doing nothing' Girl 5 'Same! So I'm watching redtube to keep me occupied ;)' Girl 6 likes this Random Dude: 'Have a wank!' (I always love those dudes haha, Owl) - Do you see the pattern here? Don't get sucked in.

THRUSH - Treat it. Nuff said.

THERE IS A CERTAIN DIGNITY ABOUT HAVING A SATURDAY IN ON YOUR OWN - Have a long sudsy shower. Cover yourself in body lotion even your boobs! Blow dry your hair and spray perfume. Put on something uber comfy. Make your favourite meal...even if its mac and cheese out the packet who cares! You're on your own and no one can see! Have a movie marathon...I recommend any Molly Ringwald flick. Light some candles. Make a little bed on the living room floor. Open a bottle of wine. And to finish the night off make oyourself cum before sleeping like a baby. Then phone someone sexy to go for pancakes with the next morning. DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE PRIVATE DATE YOU HAD WITH YOURSELF!

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN YOU SHOULD REARRANGE SOMETHING IN YOUR APARTMENT - Whether you hang a picture somewhere else, rearrange the kitchen cupboards or decide that the you would prefer your bookshelf in the study...whatever! I don't know why, but somehow it makes you feel like you are in control of your life and organized. Kind of.

Remember: Nothing in your life is that important because there are kids starving in Africa.

The rest of the advice posts for those that are new

Owls SEX alphabet: M - R

M - is for MAKING OUT. Nobody makes out anymore! It's just usually a little bit of a kiss and then BOOM! straight for the crotch. But what about kissing until you get beard rash (better known as 'pash rash' in this eloquent country), or when you are grinding on each other so viciously you are in danger of burning a hole in your clothes or when teeth sometimes connect? YUM. Go make out with someone.

N - is for NAKED. Guess what? A bit of nudity is involved in the process of luuuuuuuuurve making. Yeah I know. Yikes. The other person is about to see parts of you that you hardly ever even see without the help of contortion and a compact mirror. BUT NEVER FEAR! They are feeling just as freaked out about it! Well...not 'freaked out' but yeah,  stranger is about to see your privates. It's weird. But it's sex. And if you're doing it right, you won't even notice/care what's going on. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. Real sex is not pretty...that's why God made porn stars.

O - is for ORGASM. As in, help a brother out in helping you to achieve one by guiding and softly pointing him in the right direction. Don't be a lazy bitch afterwards and return the favor. You are a vending machine and the other person expects change. O could also be for OCTOPUS, like have you SEEN that vid that went around where this girl put an entire ...um...never mind.

P - is for PUSSY. Don't be afraid to say it.

Q - is for QUALITY. You aren't a teenager anymore. Conveyor belt sex only turns you into an emotionless robot. Aim for quality or go without. Trust me, a rubbish shag is worse than a night in with the two hands that God gave you.

R - is for RESPECT. As well as trust. Sex is intimate and it is personal. You don't necessarily have to love each other, but you should respect each other.  No matter what, there is always a chance that it could turn awkward if the person you are sexing is not your respective boyfriend/girlfriend, but a good helping of respect will ensure that awkwardness goes out the window and hopefully no one gets hurt. Nobody wants to hurt anybody do they?

(The irony is not lost on me that I write this on a Saturday night. Excuse me while I finish peeling this label off the bottle)

A - F
G - L

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-treize

STOP BEING SO DAMN AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME - Be offline sometimes.  Then when you are online, people get excited.  Have you ever noticed how you will just start chatting to someone who is online whom you never see online so you just have to grab the opportunity, mean time you actually have nothing to say?  Be the person people get excited about when they catch you online.

HAVE YOUR MONEY READY - The amount of fucktards that get their little coin purse out only when they step on the bus is insane.  Then sometimes, they go and drop the fucking thing and giggle, before making some awkward joke.  Just have your bloody change ready!!  WHY does it only occur to you that you actually have to pay once you get to the point of payment?  People like this shouldn't be allowed to breed.

DON'T SAY 'I LOVE YOU' FIRST TO A BOY - He will then have you by the proverbial fem nuts.  If he loves you too...he will say it eventually.  If he doesn't?  It's a bummer, but at least you never told him!  Every cloud...

IF YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN, A SPIDER WILL TOTALLY CLIMB INSIDE, WALK DOWN YOUR THROAT, LAY EGGS, AND BABY SPIDERS WILL CRAWL OUT YOUR ASS - Don't say that I didn't warn you.

IT'S PRETTY CUNTY TO FLIRT WITH SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND IS CRUSHING ON - Yeah that's right...cunty.

THE DAY YOU LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT MAKE UP, IS THE DAY YOU WILL MEET YOUR JAY Z - We are all Beyonce's and we deserve a Jay Z.  Someone who is strong and independent and who allows us to be strong and independent.  You are together but you are apart and you compliment each other in such a way that does not need explaining.  Moral of the story?  If ya single, you can't afford leaving the house looking average.

Put the chocolate down x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Single to Mingle

I'm 28 years old and give or take a few hit and misses, I have been single for 3 years. These are my views...

SEX - I'm not only starting this post with this topic because I am the Owl - (we use caps for the Owl now - fyi) - I am starting with sex because it is the number one pro of being attached. The whole 'sex-on-tap' thing is definitely something to take into consideration when considering a relationship. But then, if you were offered a box of Cadbury's dairy milk - would you want a selection of little chocolate trinkets filled with a multitude of mystery gooey centres, or a box filled with just the caramel barrels? Everyone likes a caramel barrel, so you know what you're getting and you will almost always be satisfied. But the box of randoms is fun! OK, SOMETIMES you will bite into a dark chocolate orange or coffee one, and it may leave a bitter taste in your mouth (remember - some people like those) but think of that blissful moment when your mouth is filled with a creamy delight? (innuendo not intended). Problem is, those fuckers have taken out all the caramel barrels and left the coffee ones. My point is, invest in a dildo.

IT CAN BE LONELY - When you are single for a lengthy period of time, you become pretty self sufficient. This is not a bad thing. However, it can throw out vibes that you never need anyone, so sometimes, you may feel a little lonely. You are not feeling lonely because you are alone. You are feeling lonely because you appear strong and independent, therefore people tend to not pander to you because you appear not to need them to. So, open.your.mouth and holla at your people and tell them you need a bit of company. Don't end up building this protective 'I love being single and I don't need anybody' shield around yourself - mainly because there is a ring of truth to the whole 'no man is an island' thing, but also, if you are open to the thought of a relationship, you may be giving out the wrong signal to a prospective mate, everyone likes to feel needed.

THE PRO'S (and cons) TO BEING SINGLE:

You get to have the entire bed to yourself, plus you can switch off the light whenever you want, but there is no one to have morning sex with.

You don't look like a lame ass because your profile on facebook is not one of you AND your man. Um, there is no con. This is lame beyond fucking belief. Never give up your individuality.

You don't end up having an argument at music festivals and end up making it awkward for everyone around you. You do however, have someone who has the responsibility to go to the toilet with you and buy you drinks.

You don't have a million family functions you have to attend. One set of parents in enough thanks.

You don't have the entire universe asking you the dreaded 'When are you getting married?' question. Dickheads even ask ME that fucking question. Um...I'm single you boneheads, when are you gonna get a life?

YOU GET TO WORK ON THE PERSON THAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE - See, the thing is my owlettes. I'm not a bitter single, in fact, I think I may even want a boyfriend...eventually. I just think that it is important to be on your way to achieving all your personal goals and your self esteem vats to be pretty full before you put yourself in a partnership. This will help to avoid the boneheads who cash in on low self esteem and forcing you not to just settle for the first dildo/bank account/hot water bottle with a pulse. It's slim pickings out there my darlings. You are basically picking someone to be a witness to the movie that is your life. You don't want someone falling asleep or leaving halfway through.

This all being said, I wouldn't say no to a Johnny Depp lookalike with abs like Jesus.

Be sexy. Be happy x