Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part vingt-dix-neuf

TUMBLR USERS... - Please stop saying 'mine is different 'cause all content is original'. Shut the fuck up. You don't need to ANNOUNCE or advertise what you are. Just be it. Originality is always obvious.

DRY SHAMPOO. - Know it. Use it. Love it. It's life changing.

DON'T BE A DESPERATE WHORE. - When a guy has 'bored' or 'I'm bored' or 'SO BOORRRED' as his status update, it means he is fishing for a little midnight snack in the shape of your pussy. Please do not be one of the 12 comments that says, 'me too' or 'same' or blah blah 'likes this'. We all know whats going on here!

WHEN IS TIME TO UNFOLLOW/DELETE? - a) When you are crushing on someone and you feel the need to investigate every girl they are chatting to. b) When you find yourself feeling tense and/or angry every time you see their feed and you practically have to cut your fingers off to stop yourself from typing a sarky/cunty remark. c) When they make you feel like an asshole. d) When THEY are an asshole.

WAKE HIM UP BY GOING DOWN ON HIM - He might return the favor.

GO TO BED EARLY AND WAKE UP EARLY. PEOPLE WHO GET SHIT DONE ARE EARLY RISERS AND BREAKFAST EATERS. - Good Night x

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Perspective

Tragedy and natural disaster happen and people start throwing around the word 'perspective'. Why? Because the only way to make our problems easier to bare is to hear about someone having a worse time that you. I was perusing  my timeline on twitter at the time of hearing what happened in Japan...in fact, that's where I found out about it before quickly jumping on BBC to check it out. Almost instantly, the usually ironic or sarcastically clever tweets (all thought of spontaneously of course) turned to shout outs for Japan, prayers for Japan and general 'I love you Japan' commentary. You almost did a little cringe when people were still tweeting their lame shit as they had obviously not heard what had happened. You know that little feeling you got? It's called perspective. Things you would usually laugh at weren't as funny, they were actually quite irritating. You suddenly didn't really care if your boss was being a prize wanker or if old mate didn't reply to your text or if some nobody unfollowed you.  I can't help but think that these epic disasters, these gigantic fuck show situations, happen to do just that...kick our ass into perspective. You can't do much to help the situation over there, you can shout out 'prayers for Japan' etc...but we all know your ass ain't praying. These situations are disastrous, monstrous, incredibly frightening and sad. But they are only 'tragic' if people don't take heed and recognize. Recognize that what you have can be taken from you at any given second. Recognize your insignificance but recognizing the significance in what you do. People have died, but they only would have died in vain if we don't take the lessons that are so obviously and deliberately being thrown at us here. And recognizing that when the universe talks, we should shut the fuck up and listen.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-quatre

SOMETIMES THE MIRROR DOES LIE - Like usually right before your period you will feel like a fleshy blob. Your hair will be the worst its ever been, ALL of your clothes will look shit and your stomach will be sticking out like you are in your third trimester. Except, to everyone else you just look the same as you always do.  Same goes for when you think that everything is going wrong and the most menial of tasks become a struggle, it usually just means that you need an early night. A little perspective please.

PHONE SEX - Do it. It is amazing. You don't have to say 'I'm rubbing my pussy' - of course you are! Just give him a little story. Tell him what you want to do to him. Say 'cock' a lot...they love that. Say 'suck' a lot...they like that too. Say 'I want to suck your cock till I gag'...they will probably ask you to marry them. They want you to tell them that there is nothing you love more than having a good 'ol 'suck' on their big (make sure you emphasize the word big) beautiful COCK. Cockity cock cock cock.  Dick is good too.  However, 'schlong' 'cute' 'small' 'soft' and 'snail' should all be avoided.

YES IT IS TOO SOON - Hey, I'm hardly the poster child for appropriateness, but making jokes about natural disasters, deaths and tragedy's on the day or during there occurrence makes you a wanker. AT LEAST have the social intelligence to not put it as a facebook status update or on twitter.  Someone involved might see it and they will be hurt, why would you want to do that? People like you probably piss on public toilet seats and don't clean up after yourself.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU TWEET - I near damn unfollow a thousand dropkicks everyday because of WHINGING. God. Keep it tight yo! A slight humorous innuendo is sufficient for a bit of a vent but making your big 'everybody hates me, I think I'm gonna eat some worms' announcement is all a bit cringey. Same with being boring. Also, if you have about 52 lists and can tell instantly who follows and unfollows you its a bit sad really.  Lord knows it can cut quite deep when you discover someone has unfollowed you, I know! But find out by accident, why trawl and check to see if they are still there? It's embarrassing! Fuck knows what people must think of me on twitter....why don't you write a blog about it? *you can't see, but I'm showing you the middle finger*

BEST THING TO HAVE ON A TOASTED BAGEL ... - Cream cheese and pesto. It's the hot damn future yo

Alex Weiland - Editor of Acclaim Magazine / Blogger / All Round Dope Ass Chick

I frikkin love lady bloggers. Especially those with wit, style and flair that easily outshine the boys. (viva la Girl Mafia!) Alex Weiland - otherwise known as @cc_mayoress on twitter is a prime example of what I'm talking about. One of the ladette (her term) contributors for Mayoress and boss lady of Acclaim magazine - which is amazing, Ms Weiland is a woman of substance and hilarity. I can't actually imagine her living in Melbourne where the sky is not always blue, 'cause she blatantly belongs in Miami or some shit. Plus lets just take a nano sec to check out missus bling...yup. Pretty increddy. Tight.

So I threw a few unfinished sentences her way and this is what she came up with. GOD I can't WAIT to head over to Melbs and get rowdy with this lass.

Bet she smells of coconut.

Read more »

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN ... (7)

... the dude you've been talking to starts talking to the girl you utterly can't stand? Doesn't he KNOW she is a mole?

... people who do nothing but watch Masterchef and stay at home criticize your efforts or hobbies? Yeah, they might be a better writer/DJ/dress better/musician/photographer than you, but we'll never know because they sit on their ass all day. Don't hate the playa's lazy ass.

... you're at a banging party, but you're stuck with a girl who is crying in the bathroom? FFS! Could you please go have your emotional breakdown in the comfort of your own home, or at the top of a high rise building somewhere? I wanna dance and flirt with boys!

... you specifically ask for 'no olives' and the fuckwit throws them on your pizza like it's some kinda Italian confetti? You wanna piece of me?

... Britney Spears has another meltdown? Bitch get it together please.

... you have a sneaky suspicion someone on twitter is being mildly sarcastic about you to someone else? You kinda have a hunch, but you can't be sure, so you get a mixture of paranoia and annoyance about feeling paranoid? 'I don't wanna care but I do!!!'

... you catch yourself humming along to Justin Bieber?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante et un

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO GET PEDANTIC OVER PAINT COLOURS - Whether it's 'Ivory', 'Old Lace', 'Seashell' or 'Pearl' it's just all fucking WHITE. OK?

BRUNCH IS THE BEST MEAL YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY HAVE - It basically fills you up until abut 5pm, then you can have dinner then just an apple or something before bed. It's totes diet worthy. Plus it's less frowned upon to have booze at brunch. Bloody Mary's before 9am with your coco pops for brekkie is pushing it really.

PLEASE AVOID GREASY HAIR - It makes you unfuckable.

DON'T BE HANDING OUT 'XX' WILLY NILLY - Don't put a 'x' on the end of a message unless you mean it.

DON'T TALK ABOUT TWITTER, FACEBOOK OR ANY OTHER SOCIAL NETWORK SHIT WITH A DUDE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN - You will beige him to tears.

GET RID OF THE BLACK HEADS THAT SURROUND YOUR NOSE - MAJOR cock blockers.

GET YOUR FAVOURITE PHOTOS PRINTED AND FRAMED - Seriously. What is the point of taking loads of photographs, then keeping them on your computer? Or loading them on FB so that knobend from way back can see you and wish he was still with you? Get printing.

IF HE PUTS YOU ON HOLD, HANG UP - Then if he doesn't call back it means he forgot to or didn't want to. One is not better than the other.

IF YOU SCRATCH YOUR VAGEEN BETWEEN WAXES, IT LOOKS BAD - I know it's an itch like no other but peeps will totally think you have herpes. Or crabs. Or crabs with herpes.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-sept

JUST BECAUSE YOU TOOK A BOY HOME, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SEX HIM - It may have seemed like a good idea at the club but if in the cold light of your apartment/hotel room you decide you are no longer feeling it, you ain't obliged to do anything. Sure he'll be pissed...he'll get over it.

THE PHRASE 'I CAN CONVINCE YOU' - Is the line rapists probably use. Jus sayin.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER www.twitter.com/theobnoxiousowl - I can be mildly entertaining.

A LITTLE BIT OF LIME JUICE GOES WELL WITH ALMOST EVERYTHING - Espesh on mashed avocado on toast. Yummo.

GET RID OF THOSE INGROWN HAIRS IN YOUR PUBIC REGION - Or they will turn into a mini mountain of filth and pain. Get em while they're hot!

NOT ALL BLACK MEN ARE GREAT DANCERS - But most do have pretty big willy's. Enjoy!

MEN LIKE TO FEEL NEEDED - So putting out vibes that you don't need anybody could potentially be stopping you from finding your dreamboat. I'm not saying become needy, I'm saying put a little bit of a 'damsel in distress' vibe out there from time to time.

TAKE OUT TRAVEL INSURANCE - Because the one time that you don't, Guido in Mexico will be loving your knickers.

xx

ps...ask me anything on formspring (side bar) - I might answer.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-cing

THE WORD 'PAKI' IS NOT COOL - Not everyone who looks like they could be from Pakistan are from Pakistan. How would you feel if you were called an American if you were Canadian? Irish if you were Scottish? Kiwi if you were Aussie? A racist just because you were a white South African? Fuck off with your ignorance.

IT'S UBER TACKY TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOUR EX - So it didn't work out? Move on! 1 on 1 bitch fests with your best mate over wine is OK though.

MAKE SURE YOU CLEAN YOUR GENITALS PROPERLY - FOR SEE.REE.OWS. It's a moist crevice for God's sake! Shit can get nasty. It takes like 4.5 seconds in the shower and remember to wipe properly! Plus if it's period time, ya need to bathe more. You may think I'm a bit OTT with this, but my bitches know about the girls I'm talking about. (Sozz I called them genitals - it's a pretty cringe word)

EVERY SO OFTEN YOU NEED A 'MEDIA BOYCOTT' - Yup that means an entire day with no twitter, email, facebook, myspace (does that even still exist?). I swezz to God it helps clear the head. Go take a long bath, read a book, phone a friend instead chatting on the interweb. Let's get back to basics for 24 hours.

IT'S NOT COOL TO LEAVE A PARTY WITHOUT SAYING 'G'BYE - At least make sure you say adios and thanks to the host. Rule of thumb: If there is less than 5 people at the bash, you have to say bye to all of 'em. Else they'll talk about when you leave for defs.

NEVER HAVE SEX IN YOUR PARENTS BED - Would you like it if they had sex in yours? Exactly. And furthermore, if any of my friends are reading this, you may only have sex in my bed if you are good looking. I want no ugly 'ma fuckers bumping and grinding between my sheets thanks.

No thank YOU x

LOOK AT MY TWITS

They aren't that interesting, but I am a drama queen and I want loads of followers.

http://twitter.com/TheObnoxiousOwl > c'mon look lively!

LOOK AT MY TWITS

Twitter Twitter Twitter, follow me on TWITTER!
www.twitter.com/TheObnoxiousOwl

Bloody love you x

TWEET ME ON TWITTER YOU TWATS

Hi there lovelies, if you would like to get short little snippets of Obnoxious Owliness then follow me on this 'ere Twitter thingo.... http://twitter.com/TheObnoxiousOwl - hop to it! x